read somewhere that i have to create a blog as one of my 'talents' so that it will look good on my resume/portfolio. it has to be something that i am really interested in and i thought to myself, "yeah, nothing. i have nothing that i like." but it feels like if i'll ever have one which is public and accessible to everyone, i will be judged so critically because i will be perceived as an emotional wreck who thinks too much/tries to make meaning out of everything. perhaps, a sadist cynic

sad truth

and also, i think it has come to a point where i am apathetic and indifferent to so many people now till it scares me. it really scares me because these people are considered my true and real friends. i was only supposed to feel this way to ppl who dont matter, but it seems as though this feeling has silently creeped into the souls of my loved ones. i must stop feeling this way before i end up a lone ranger my whole life with zero friends

but it sucks because it sucks so much energy in me to talk to someone, even with someone whom i am supposed to be close to. it's like i really don't give a fuck and i just don't want to talk to you because i just don't see the need to. ah am seriously so fucked up i dont even know how to get myself out of this rut.

i hope history doesn't repeat itself

sometimes i lapse into another persona - a being who is all pensive and blue and has this overwhelming desire to put all these emotions into words.

today feels like one of those days.

but ironically, i don't feel like writing anymore