sometimes i feel the intense need to jot my thoughts down before they disappear into the hazy wind but by a sudden millisecond, this intense need ripples its way out of my system. yes, by a millisecond, that's how fickle i am

but today we had dance rehearsal and it was fun, feels like i don't mind dancing for the rest of my life. the agile, skilled movements which are swiftly constructed to follow the beat of the song, followed by trickling sweat of determination - i like that.

a random thought i had today is the fact that i don't appreciate things as much as i really would like to. feels like i am only fully recognizing the importance/value of an entity(tangible or intangible) when it's spoilt/gone/lost forever. a random example to explain about this random thought is my earpiece which i use everyday. it is just an ordinary earpiece, a normal earpiece that i don't care much about (in fact, i don't care about alot of things in life). so now, like many others, this earpiece is spoilt

but i'm like oh okay, deal with it. life moves on.

which brings me to my next point. that we just have to make do with what we have in life. it's true. i now have to live with listening to only one side of the earpiece, but it's okay. it's my fault, i have to live with it unless i get a new one. which i probably won't cos i'll end up spoiling them anyway

sometimes i would be engulfed in an extreme state of emotion without any rational reasons behind it and just be soaked into the sea of blueness deeply, and trying very very very hard to stay afloat

but sometimes when these emotions take control, i would like time to stop and breathe in these emotions because pain makes me feel alive

dont know how to feel happy it's like do we consciously erase all feelings of sadness and negativity, or do we just not feel at all and live life according to what we THINK it is instead of what we FEEL because feeling happy is an illusion it is an effort instead to think of happy thoughts to be happy

i would like to live in a life without any expectations sometimes, so that i will never, ever be disappointed. expecting something reeks of disappointment in its true essence because when you expect something, you are hoping for a result which aligns to your expectations. and more often than not, you'll fall short of those expectations. you'll end up feeling disappointed, dejected and lost. so can we just not expect and DO things freely without thinking of the risks/consequences because the very aftermath can thwart us from being better because we are so caught up in achieving the best form of result possible (and of course, it can push us further. afterall, there are 2 sides to a coin)

and it's one of those moments when the sky refuses to belt out any more sunlight; for it's time for the rain to take control over our blue emotions which are dripping from the cornerstone of our hearts

one of those moments where i refuse to power the switch in my mind, the switch which would reignite all the blocks of boulders that are meant to crush my insides till i have nothing left within to fight

am i then, being delusional? or am i just trying to survive?

one of those moments where you know very well that if you want something really really really really really badly, more often than not, what you want will slowly creep out its way. far away from you. far from being involved with you. simply because, it does not even exist.

one of those moments where you realise that you are really not good enough in things you proclaim to be your 'passion', 'you would want to do this your whole life'. wtf i need to improve and be so much better and not just want things without putting any effort. things don't work that way. i need to unravel myself from this cocoon which i've built steadily over the years and finally breathe. away from all the obligations imposed/standards set/expectations

really would like to talk to somebody right now, just anyone randomly

sigh i think i'm leading a lonely life, i feel so lonely and there isn't any one whom i really feel i can talk to or get the response i would want to get. everyone's changing, nothing's the same anymore.

sigh fuck this shit seriously. fucking lazy to do anything about it but i guess if i want things to change, i have to do something about it. but i'm done trying. fucking lazy to try.

nvm, i will probably be alone for the rest of my life. so this is good training

feels like i don't want to make any friends at all.

it sucks knowing that you have a thousand 'friends' on facebook but there's no one whom you really feel like having a conversation with. maybe. it's the wrong time.

or maybe i just don't have any friends at all.

Wow it's so different.