2011.

The best friend told me to reflect on what i want in life.

2011 was a whirlwind of change. So many things happened. I can't remember how many guys i've met or slept with. School started, and one semester just ended. Things were constantly moving. Faster. Bolder. 

There wasn't a time where i could properly breathe and hold Life in the face to proclaim my love for it. Life took over everything. I tried to squeeze in parts of myself but i held myself back most of the time. I was scared. The fear of rejection thwarted progress. I chose to remain on status quo because it was safe. I wanted to feel safe. Secure.

But with God's grace, i challenged myself a couple of times. I ran for council, got voted in and am having the best time of my life now. Pageant was exhilarating, FOC was spectacular. School is amazing, the people are great. Old friends stick by. They never leave. And, the bond we share gets stronger.

Yet, something's still missing. Guys. In this aspect, I don't know where i'm headed to. I think the whole novelty of falling in love is starting to tear apart into meaningless, shattered pieces. It's sad that i don't even want to mend them. I'm just devoid of any conscience to really care about this. Maybe, i'm being too real and practical. I know that relationships in the gay world don't exist. Ideals are meant to be tarnished. They are meant to be broken. They are meant to not even be talked about. It's taboo.

So, being all rational, i've completely disregarded relationships and took every connection with a guy with a pinch of salt. It's all about THE moment. Once the moment is done, we're done. It's as simple as that.  A temporary wave of fun and enjoyment. An escape. A short getaway. No feelings involved; no one gets hurt. We give bits and pieces of ourselves to that person, and then, we throw it away. That part of us is gone. Forever. In the first place, it does not matter anyway. There was no meaning to it.

But, by repeatedly doing so, now i'm all numb. 2011 has made me numb.

FREAKING FEEL LIKE WANNA CRY BECAUSE I FEEL SO INADEQUATE

FROM TMR ONWARDS

I AM NOT GONNA THINK IN MY HEAD ANYMORE
ALL THOSE THOUGHTS SHALL PERISH
I SHALL NOT CARE ABOUT GUYS
I WILL NOT TRY HARD ANYMORE
I WILL NOT BEG
I WILL NOT EVEN FREAKING TRY
I GIVE UP
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
I DONT CARE ABOUT HOW I LOOK
I WONT HAVE THOUGHTS OF WANTING TO LOOK LIKE 'THIS OR THAT' OR WHATEVER
I DONT EVEN CARE HOW I LOOK
I DONT CARE ABOUT GUYS AND HOW THEY THINK OF ME
I DONT CARE IF I LOOK CUTE OR NOT TO THEM
I DONT CARE HOW I LOOK TO THEM
I DONT EVEN TRY
I DONT CARE IF I LOOK GOOD OR HORRIBLE TO THEM
THEY ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM WHAT
IF THEY DONT THEN ITS THEIR LOSS
I DONT CARE ANYWAY
I SHALL BE NUMB
EVERYTHING I DO IS DEVOID OF FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS
I'M GOING TO BE A ROBOT

I GIVE UP

Hi. It's been so long since i've visited this space, so much so that i almost forgot it exists. Time flies isn't it? So much things are happening simultaneously and all i want is to just breathe. All i want is to hold Life by the face and give it some love, some warmth, some peace. Show it some appreciation that it really deserves, and kiss it tenderly. But, each time i want to do that, Life just passes by. In a stealthy manner that would catch me unguarded.

Now that the semester is over, i'm embroiled in a very good break. These 2 days have been great. All i do, is. Eat, Online, Sleep. Literally. It has been so goooood. I really needed this break. Come tomorrow, i promise i will do something productive.

And talking about how the semester is over, i can say for sure it has been a great one. I've had unprecedented experiences which have certainly provided me with unforgettable memories. I've made alot of friends, though i'm still uncertain as to which of these are my really true friends. Guess i have to verify that next semester and see for myself.

On another note altogether, i really don't know if i'm short-changing myself. It feels as though i have been settling for less. Well, the thing is, i don't even know for sure if i deserve better.

So, i haven't settled down to study. All i want to do is to play, chill and just everything else which has no relation to mugging.

I don't know what's happening anymore. It feels as though i don't care anymore.

Yet, despite all these turbulence within myself, i stil feel calm. A reassuring calm that everything will turn out okay eventually.

maybe, i've come to realise that grades aren't everything afterall. maybe, i've come to realise that all of these endless pursuits are useless if we're not contented and genuinely happy. maybe, i've come to realise that i'm chasing after something i don't quite know of. maybe, i've come to realise that i've toned down but i don't know what's important and what's useless.

maybe, i've come to realise that i shouldn't exist.

and today is one of those days when the world seems too dark for me to tread my way through, and the only way is to get out and escape before i swallow all of them in and take a plunge

it was horrible.

i just needed to get out of all of these mess and breathe. i had to get away from all of the people around me before they drive me nuts. these very people have been driving me to a wall, because i hate how superficial and fake everyone is. save a few, the rest are just a bunch of pretentious people with disgusting thick walls of facade. i felt suppressed being around such people. i felt like i couldn't breathe. it felt as though i was in a different world with people of similar wavelengths whose foundation is premised on shallow concepts of conformity.

and it irks me so fucking bad when i realise how certain people act and behave differently when they are in different situations. like what the fuck is that all about? can't you just be yourself and not change to be someone else? adapting is fine, but not when you are a completely different person you fucktard. where's your fucking roots? eh wait, do you even have one?

i hope i'm overthinking, but all those bitching should seriously just stop. okay these people don't matter and so i don't give a flying fuck about what they think. whatever they say/think do not have a bearing on me beacuse i don't give a fuck about people who don't matter.

so yeah whatever. i'm done with this shit. i'm just gonna lead my own life, stay true to myself and live. i'll not give a shit to people who don't matter. i'm not even gonna try anymore. because simply, they're just not worth it.

and today's the day when you're triggered by that something. 


And i define that something as something that eats up your soul, that very feeling of paranoia and anxiety. That something which causes you to do stuffs you tell yourself a million times not to, but you still did it anyway. That something that you swear not to think of again, but when triggered, it shines ever so brightly at the back of your mind, ripping off every single hope you hold firmly to.

Why? Because it's a fucking syndrome that controls every part of you till you're just dead but alive at the same time.

That something ate me up.

sometimes it feels that i'm just floating, and i don't know what exactly am i doing here. i'm not lost, but i don't feel that i belong here either. this extra effort needed to make everything work - are they worth it? are they worth my sacrifices?

sometimes i wake up feeling all motivated then i get reminded of all the bleak promises i have for the future and i'll end up in square one. back to fucking square one. where's that everlasting drive i used to have? where's the zeal, the enthusiasm, the effervescent spirit that keeps every negative emotion at bay?

where is the strong me? what have i morphed into? am i lost?

With so many things unravelling all at one go, i find myself out of breath. But it's so hard to let it all out, it's as though the natural defence mechanism is to keep it all inside; suppress and let it explode

I don't know man. It just feels.... wrong. Everything just seems bleak and impossible

and today is one of those days where everything seems to be in a whirl - no word can exactly describe how i feel at this very moment

lately, it has been like this. a huge amount of weight residing in my chest, staying and never wanting to leave. that continuous desire of exploding and just running away - but i know i can't

there's so many things to do and i just don't know where to start. i don't even want to start. long gone are the days of freedom. i'm trying to escape, away from all of these mess. i want to forget them and pretend they don't exist. but each time i do that, there's this staggering fear of the unknown

these thoughts just won't fade away. an escape is actually an inch closer. while i try to run away, they follow me into the darkness - their shadows shining brighter than ever. they're always at the back of mind, dictating my moves and killing every inch of passion i have within me.

i just want to be alive and start living

So, we had a yacht party. And, it just ended. Not too long ago.

But. The memories will stay for long. Forever, even.

It was a very exhilarating experience. It was my first time on a yacht party, and of course, such parties are huge and grand and rare. You don't go to them often, and when you do, for the first time at least, it's something to really look forward to.

I knew i wouldn't be disappointed. Right after my very first step into the bay, looking at the yachts, i knew this is gonna be fun. And hell yeah, it sure was. Our yacht was huge, beautiful and really picture-worthy. We decorated it according to the theme, and it looked even cuter.

With an unusual mix of people, we've decided to stick together. We meaning Ming, Jek Bao and i. The rest were just in their own world, and it was socially awkward to mingle around. The three of us got our food, and just chilled ourselves. It was nice. It was my first time meeting Jek Bao and he seemed like a really nice chap.

The three of us lay on the parapet, and started talking about life. I love such conversations. We talked about our aspirations, our fears and insecurities. We questioned our beliefs about life, and spoke from our hearts. We doubted Singapore's suppressing system; we wanted to be free.

Ming asked if she's changed from the first time i've met her. I said yes, but in a positive light. I like how we're so honest and concerned about each other. Jek Bao asked me what i wanted to be. I said ''I don't know." Then, i muttered : "I want to set up a media company. A consultancy firm."

Honestly, i don't know where that came from. Is that what i've really wanted? A subsconcious desire? That certainly is something interesting.

Jek Bao told me about connections with a purpose(re : colleagues, business partners) and how these are all transitory. I agreed and added, "I guess as we're all growing up, we want something stable and secured." How true. We're at the stage of life where meaningful existences around us matter more than just acquaintances. These important beings are the ones we want to be with for life, to create something beautiful together. For memories that last a lifetime, for being our pillars of strength when life gets tough, and to simply be with us - because they genuinely want to.

The setting was so beautiful to ignite a heart to heart conversation. Lying on a yacht, with a sky enveloped with stars, and the wind gushing through our faces.

This is definitely something to remember.

feels like, things have been going too fast. feels like, i'm still grappling to catch up when things are too fast, too damn fast.

but all i want is to just grab them by the face and show some love. to give them some meaning before they disintegrate into another mundane drudgery of life. because i know when that happens, i know i'll be screwed. and breathless

and dead

so

so, just yesterday, i'm now officially 21.

i feel the need to pen down my thoughts before i forget them. how does turning 21 feel, you may ask?

it wasn't anything special. in fact, it felt like any other day. so, i guess. there's nothing else to say.

realised that, in the whole sea of people, all cackling in laughters and togetherness, i do actually feel alone. and so much is unfolding in front of my eyes i can barely breathe.

need to properly sit down and reflect and start doing proper work

don't know why. it's so oxymoronic. it feels as though there's this wave of tranquility seeping through my veins, but despite the calm moments, i feel pretty unsettled. i'm so confused and..... just complicated

and it's one of those moments again when i've realised that i have not been living in the moment. too much floating around has been done, too much of lurking around aimlessly without any goals in mind. this really sucks. i'm so tired of losing my things.

shall live in the moment and focus on the now, and not on the future or the past. live for today, and grab whatever that comes along in the moment. don't wait till it's gone

And now, camp is over.

There are so many things i can say, but one thing for sure, i need to start believing in myself. I've casted so much doubts within, and it has cemented into a strong belief which made me believe that i'm really incapable of what i am actually capable of.

I need to start taking risks, and step out of my comfort zone. I've been in it for too long and it's not helping.

Furthermore, what's with all these judgements i impose onto others? Who am i to judge? I'm a nobody. I don't have the right to judge. Afterall, looks don't matter. What matters is your character and your heart, others are just transitory and transient. They will wither and fade with the passing of time, but your inner beauty lasts forever.

So, lessons learnt.
1) Believe in myself.
2) Don't judge.
3) Character is way more important than anything else.

It feels like these days, i have been a self-critic with regards to my existence in this world. It feels as though i've not done anything substantial which is worthy to be proud of, feels like i've been here wasting my time and space and energy and money and food and water and everything else that comes along with it.

I want to do something. I shall start off by loving myself. And finish a book by sunday.

It feels like i have wasted my time all these while, and so, it's time for me to make a difference and be the change.

now, school's starting. but i'm really doubtful that i can churn out a systematic and coherent essay since i've not written for so long. i guess with time, and proper planning of the essay, i should be fine.

camp's next week. and i really hope i'll make new friends. you know like how socially retarded i can get? and that sucks big time because i do not want to be a loser in school. i don't want to be a loser.

can't believe school is really starting soon. a new chapter has begun, and i'm sure it would be more exciting in time to come. i just hope i'll have fun, excel and make the best out of it. i really hope i wouldn't regret any moment of it.

(i'll promise myself that i'll shut those voices in my head)

it kinda scares me that school is starting soon. time flies. yet, i didn't really feel that it was actuallly THIS fast. it's as though all these while, i wasn't in the moment. i was just floating around, looking for something to pull me together. but, i was helplessly doing so because it just seems... impossible to grasp.

people need me now. but, i am feeling like a selfish bitch. because who is there for me?

and again, today is one of those (rather frequent) days where things seem bleak and you feel so fucked up

haha it's funny, because no matter how far we've ploughed and trekked our way right ahead painstakingly, we're all back into square one. familiar faces, familiar names, familiar gestures. these similarities are too stifling, don't you think?

so, no point trying so hard. just stay and wait. look around and stay and wait.

hi blog, it has been quite a while. i haven't had the time to really sit down and have a proper reflection of what's going on. neither have i been reading. reading seems like a chore. oh dear. what am i transforming into? i don't know myself.

i've ended my work stint at PC. it was great (minus the work of course). i've made good friends but it's time to move on to another phase in life. SCHOOL. OMG I'M STARTING SCHOOL SOON. CAN YOU SENSE MY EXCITEMENT?

and feels like, life's in a constant fast-moving trajectory. if you're left behind, then you're screwed. i've made many work colleagues along the way whom i've forged really close bonds with, and often, when we leave each other to a new phase, we would exchange alot of ''i'll miss you. must meet up soon ok!!".

but, that never happens. such is life.

wonder what do these temporary acquaintances are needed for then? seems like they're only 'in the moment' and since such moments don't last, they don't last too. and it's also pretty sad when we have to leave when we're all close and chummy. still, that bond isn't strong enough to warrant another meetup. life's always like that. it's full of hi-s and bye-s and yes, goodbye-s.

which also explains why i really don't bother with such short-term friends simply because they don't last. i don't make any conscious effort to invest alot of time and effort into such friendships because of obvious reasons. feels like,

they're just not worth it.

last night, i dreamt of 2 guys. they look similar, but vaguely different. it was still fresh on my mind when i woke up, but now, the memories are faint and dim. i remember i was together with one of them, and somehow, we broke up and i got together with the other one. yet, i was still clinging on to the first one and i couldn't let go. i see A's face in B's and it was very suffocating. it was hard to express how i felt, my lips were tied and the words always seemed so heavy.

despite everything that has happened, we're all still back to square one. this sucks

these 2 days were spent with people i love. and it's incredibly sweet when a 'i love spending time with you' came out of nowhere, in a very random and abrupt manner, but you know that person meant it because the look of sincerity from their eyes just melts your heart.

i just love how stable my friendships are. we don't have to meet/talk everyday but when we do meet, things will be the same. we're still the same old chummy people, and we've not changed.

things are still the same.

just now, a friend commented that i have a lot of ''i don't like that person and i'm not going to talk to him/her'' kind of moments. but i've to agree. like i've explained, i have a friendship theory with good friends as the minimum status quo. i don't care about people below that status, and i'm pretty blatant with the way i express it. i hate being fake and show them that i like them when i actually don't. i don't see the point of that, anyway. we're not 10 anymore. we fight for our own happiness.

and that's the beauty of choice. you CHOOSE to be wrapped in a beautiful bubble of your stable friends whom you know will last(instead of climbing the social hierarchy aimlessly), and thereby, you get rewarding friendships. these are the very people you share your deepest darkest secrets with, but they won't judge and will still love you all the same. you keep them close at bay, while repelling any 'unwanted' territories who don't deserve it.

not everyone is deserving of your time and effort anyway

these days, i've been feeling very uneasy. it's like, there is this constant gnawing spasm of hatred at myself. i feel so uncomfortable around myself, at myself. there is this very strong urge to lift up my nose in an elevated motion just to feel at ease. i think i'm mentally retarded. i think i've not loved myself. i think as long as i continue feeling this way, i'll be alone. how can i ever seek love when i don't even love myself? i just don't want to think about it. i want to be happy, because............... i deserve it?

i just don't want to look at guys anymore. guys make me paranoid. omg i hate myself omg slash wrists now sigh hate this feeling i shall sleep it off and wake up with a smile. things will be brighter tomorrow, i shall be my own sun

today, i felt like crying and screaming and pulling my hair out and biting my nails all at once. i felt extremely self-conscious, my heart was beating too fast, way too fast. i was in a state of constant panic and anxiety.

someone told me that we shouldn't seek love. instead, we should seek to find the barriers we built against ourselves. AND DESTROY THEM.  fucking shit how true is that. i don't even know how to destroy them though, i think it takes an insurmountable amount of courage to do that. which, unfortunately, isn't in my favour.

ah i feel like scratching myself now. i can't seem to let go. fuck just let it all go you dumbass WHY CAN'T YOU DO SUCH A SIMPLE THING?

let go let go let go breathe breathe breathe calm yourself down relax take it easy chill out OMG I WANT TO CRY BYE

yesterday, without any apparent trigger(maybe it was my hair, or like a heightened awareness of my flaws and imperfections), i felt this immense sense of paranoia. and fatigue. how long more can i do this? all these facades, to be something i'm not. i'm tired of it. but, this is life. this is how we are going to survive.

so, i thank God for my awesome bestfriend whom i know i can be myself with, and she still won't judge. she would love me all the same. it is so easy to be around her. yesterday, we just laughed and made a fool of ourselves. these are what we do best. but i wasn't even trying. i didn't even have to try. i was just myself. i was tired, i was shagged, i was boring. but i didn't make any conscious effort to liven up the spirit. i was just absorbed in my own waves, but because our frequencies are amazingly similar, it was still fun. we were still ourselves. we weren't someone else.

best friends forever <3

these days, i realise that what's really scary is the fact that i'm so deprecatingly self-aware - but i just don't act upon them. is this a i-dont-give-a-fuck attitude, or is it denial? either way, it's bad.

whenever i'm alone, on the way to work, or just having some moment to myself, thoughts will always flutter rapidly on my mind. but soon enough, they dissipate and fly away like the flowing breeze. this fleeting moment is so transitory and transient, feels like i should hold onto them before they're gone. and the only way to keep it close is by penning it down, or writing it here. but that very action now doesn't excite me as much as before. writing used to be cathartic, it used to be one of the very medium for expression of thoughts; for freedom; for a route of escapism. but now, it feels like i'm here just to 'kill time'.

this is so pathetic.

but anyway, on the way to work, i was thinking of how remotely possible it is for me to fall in love with someone, and loving his flaws/imperfections through and through, and him loving me back for who i truly am. it seems like an impossible feat. and plus, i feel that it's ridiculous to be committed to the same person for like months, what more, years. that's like whutttt????? i think i'll get bored and start flirting around.

think i'll be single for life heh <3

i'm very annoyed. i know God is fair, and everything happens for a reason. but it annoys the hell out of me when i know, I KNOW, that for a fact, right after everything is smooth and awesome, things will DEFINITELY turn for the worst soon enough. most of the time, it comes as something very expected, and i just knew it was waiting to spring up on me. GRR.

and with regards to the whole boyfriend issue, i think i'm just unlucky in that sense. tell me something new i don't already know. i'm so suay generally, and i need a flower bath ASAP. but anyway, it's always the case of me liking some trophies who won't reciprocate my feelings, or the other way round, whereby i won't reciprocate some guys who have feelings for me because they're just not my type.

or maybe, i've not fully accepted who i really am, to allow someone in.

hi. i don't know what to say, and it fears the hell out of me that one day, one unfateful day, i might even lose the ability to express myself, which is to me, the very reason to remain sane.

over the span of these weeks, i've realised, in a very blatant manner, that every single word/expression is of paramount importance. it's like as though every single thing matters, and thus, they have to be crafted and thought out very carefully. this kinda freaks me out, because i tend to have a very lackadaisical attitude with regards to things in general. i wonder what impression do i leave on people.

+++

and no, it's not that i don't love myself. i know that before you love someone, you need to love yourself first. but it's just that... i think i'll be single forever.

i fucking fucking fucking  fucking fucking fucking  fucking fucking fucking fucking  fucking  fucking  fucking fucking fucking fucking  fucking hate how i am such a social retard fuck it to the very much.

i will will will will will will will wil  will will will will will will will will will will will will improve my social skills

and i will fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking NOT GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT MY FACE

this whole week has been very fast-paced and exhausting. it feels like this is the real life; the constant chase of [something] that we often talk about as we grow up.

but it's okay. it's all gonna be worth it xx

Syukur Alhamdulillah

God is amazing. He is definitely willing to help you, as long as YOU help yourself first.

you know ever since i've stopped working, i've been slacking so much. however, i still harboured the thought of getting a job, before i slept everyday, i would pray(in a very insincere and reluctant manner) for God to bless me with a job. i wasn't serious, and of course, who else would know better than Himself. indeed, i wanted to slack and just play. but along the way, it got really meaningless. didn't know where my life was heading towards. i hate such feelings of uncertainty, it felt as though i was just traipsing on an unstable terrain and i could fall any moment. i like when things are in order(well who doesnt), but it seems more like an OCD for me though. i need to deal with this

so, i beefed up a proper resume(although i was SUPER SUPER DAMN LAZY AND DISTRACTED) but somehow miraculously, after 2 hours, i did it. i thought my resume and CV were really not bad, i was rather impressed by it HAHAHA. so, i sent them to some random companies, hoping to get a reply. after sending them out, i realised that I SENT MY RESUME TO ONE OF THE COMPANY FOR THE WRONG POSITION OMG. HAHA I was like ah whatever shit man i'm not gonna re-send if it's fated i'll get it, it's not like i didn't put in any effort my resume was still sent anyway.

AND BY A STROKE OF MIRACLE, THAT PARTICULAR COMPANY(THE ONE I SENT MY RESUME FOR THE WRONG POSITION) CALLED ME UP IN AN HOUR'S TIME. i told you God is amazing. as long as you try/put in some effort and leave the rest to Him(let it go), He will work his magic for you <3 anyway i've always loved the feeling of relief and freedom once i know i'll leave it to Him, like the whole burden is lifted off my shoulders and i KNOW and i ACKNOWLEDGE that it IS left in good hands ( re : A levels ). i guess it's liberating when you relinquish your control over such things sometimes, knowing that God is the one who controls it all and it is all in our best interests anyway :)

after that phone interview, i was invited for an interview today(at 11am just now). and it was all really rushing cos i had to take a passport-sized photo which i didn't have, and i still need to photocopy my certs and testimonials. my dad went out and my stuffs were inside the room(and he locked his room) and i was totally panicking, but thankfully, he came back just in time. then, i realised that i lost my PSLE cert(they wanted it) and my School Graduation Cert from pj which meant i didn't have my official A level cert!! HAHAHHA SUAY OR WHAT. so i just photocopied the PAPER SLIP which we all receive during results day HAHAHAHAHA whatever la huh at least it's something right.

the interview went well thankfully. she was rather impressed by my resume, and she said she 'had high expectations of me'. i went like wow okay hahaha and the coolest part was she offered me a job there and then, requesting me to start TOMORROW. THANK GOD. (but i was quite blonde during the interview actually....) so anyway i said yes and i hope i love it cos i'm doing marketing cum admin with more focus on marketing so i hope it's good and i hope my colleagues are fun and like i hope my superiors are cool people pray for me! <3

ALLAH SWT IS GREAT <3

:( sigh i feel so sianed out i feel like running all over the place but it's hot and i don't want to get any darker

SIGH

i need a freaking job but i'm fucking lazy to even do up a proper resume. something's bogging me down, and i feel like relinquishing all these fluffy connections with stupid guys what a waste of my time seriously

i got a haircut today and i wasn't really satisfied about it. i was whining, and a very good friend blurted out a nice comment, "omg you know, it's just damn hard for you to be ugly". at that particular moment, i just brushed it away and replied a 'thank you' curtly. then i slipped into another conversation altogether. i'm in this phase where i'm trying to not care about looks at all, so i'll just be apathetic about such comments. because well, they don't matter(trying to reaffirm myself every single day). there's greater things in life.

but now, when out of a sudden, that comment whizzed by my mind and i'm trying to absorb it - it just feels that i've been trying so hard to be accepted. and it feels so meaningless now. why did i put myself in such emotional torture every single day? i guess i just wanted to feel loved. by extension, the true act of love is hard to come by these days anyway. so it's like i'm chasing after an ideal. but fuck it, ideals are never attainable in reality......................

(only God knows what we're fighting for)

i was talking to a very good friend just now about the virtual world. about how we present a facade to the other party; normally it's an ideal that we wish to portray to arouse their interest. and sometimes, we veer towards another persona altogether. we suppress our true identity along the way, and it freaks us out when we are actually gonna meet that person. and therein lies the question : are we willing to change for someone? or should we just be ourselves because if that person truly loves us, then well, he/she should accept us for who we truly are? but what if it's not at the stage of love, it's still at the initial - and being yourself would kill your chances, and you don't want that because he's actually damn good for you(but the catch is, he likes the persona you're injecting, and not your true self)?

SO HOW

with regards to my previous post, maybe i should just fuck it. i should just live and get hurt, because to have loved and lost is better than not having to love at all. we only live once anyway.

+++

you said why am i so mean and rough to you, why do i say 'fuck off', 'go and die' and harsh words like those. why can't i just be nice and sweet and say all the lovely things? well, as much as it's alright to be hurt, i can't let you in completely. people change, and i bloody well know that fact. and if by one stroke of fate, in the future, if you'll ever leave, at least i have something still within to hold onto.

now i'm trying not to reflect and think about it. i've been doing alot of those though, i always tend to introspect and reminisce every single thing, digging up the hole just to incorporate some meaning, but feeling exhausted after. i need to let go, i need to stop thinking that everything is meaningful. well simply because many things are not, even though they do happen for a reason.

but just now, when i hear your voice, my insides flickered rampantly and just exploded into wisps of golden lights. you said why do i sound like i'm panting. the truth is dear, i was. i was trying to gasp for air just hearing your voice. i wanted to scream, run all around my house, jump up and down, hugged my bolster till there were creases - all at once. i was so excited. and then, i thought of all my flaws and shortcomings and i feel sad. i don't deserve love, i don't deserve any of this. will you truly accept me for what i truly am?

maybe this is just another fantasy, something just transient and goes away like the wind

feels like, when someone is attempting to break inside and know me better, i'll just run a million miles away

am telling myself that sometimes, we don't have to try too hard. if it's meant to happen, no matter what comes in between, it will still happen.

+++

feels like i've done nothing these 2 days, feels like i've so many stuffs to read(i have like 7 different tabs of websites) and i'm tired of reading so i'm just aimlessly chatting with people and it feels meaningless. meaningless. i feel like i'm floating and just wading through this stealthily, like i'm invisible and i'm actually not here. like when i chat with them, i adopt an entire different persona - like a reckless abandon who doesn't give a shit about feelings(what feelings?), someone apathetic who doesn't bother trying to be nice, someone who
screws up conversations(look at previous point). i just speak my rambunctious mind

i think i (really) need a job

i've come to realise that there's a clear distinction between just a 'good' friend and a 'very good/best' friend. the former would agree/disagree with what you're doing in your life, and would not preach, but simply feel that "it's your life, so it's ultimately your choice. i'm in no position to comment". while on the other hand, the latter would sit down and have a proper conversation with you. he/she would probe, preach and try to include their insight/opinions without sounding overbearing. then, we would both try to find the root cause of the problem and suggest a solution for it. he/she would be really sincere to help and make you feel that he/she is concerned and would go all out to be sharing this emotional baggage with you.

i'm really blessed to have such an awesome best friend really <3

i've learnt these days that we can't always get what we expect out of people. but that's alright, simply because there's only so much one can offer. besides, he/she may be already trying their best, and in the first place, we shouldn't expect too much anyway. therein lies the awesomeness of God who consciously bless me with friends who complement each other. say for example, if i can't get that kind of response i want from A, i knew i would get it from B. and this is the same thing for the reverse case, if i knew A is better than B in a particular aspect, i would seek help from A. so, i feel that i have a very comprehensive friendship with people of unique characters, but when put together, it's a very rewarding experience for myself because they are all interlinked in the grander scheme of things.

i had a good day today.

+++

don't know why, but this blog feels like a curse. i've witnessed this happening many times right in front of my eyes, acutely consciously of what is happening, and backtracking to the root of it which made me figure out that this seems to be the reason all the time. feels like whenever i write something [positive], by some stroke of fate/destiny/BAD LUCK/CURSE, the reverse will happen. I'VE NO IDEA WHY

it's like once i've established this gratefulness/awareness that YAY I'M FEELING GOOD, it will be deemed as a curse; i'll be back to square one the next day. and no, i don't think i'm overthinking. it has always been that way and i'm fucking sick of it. it feels as though i don't deserve to write things that emanate positivity/happiness. LIKE I'M BOUND FOR DEPRESSION MY WHOLE LIFE OR SOMETHING

like i'll tell myself that nah it is just coincidental, i don't think i'm that suay or something but NO IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY. fuck this shit yo. i don't deserve ANY of this, NOTHING of this crap

i'm currently reading doris lessing's "love, again" and there were so many notions/expressions that i totally agree with. i find myself OH YES OH YES OH YES so many times, her words flow so succinctly in such a fluid manner. it's such a good read. there were a couple of times i wanted to tear because i could really relate to her characters; it felt so real.

i need to start loving myself, like this time, it's for real

it is pretty scary when i've witnessed this SO DAMN FREAKING MANY TIMES like it REALLY gets into me and i could actually list out all the evidences but that would totally freak me out so i won't but like seriously

EVERY SINGLE (EVEN THE MOST LITTLE, TRIVIAL) THING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

it is apparent and blatant that i feel like this whole thing is mocking me. like how i feel EVERY SINGLE THING is interconnected, nothing stands on its own - we're never alone.

it's so scary though, like each time i found out something new, it would actually mean something or a discovery of ANOTHER occurrence, and they are all related. every single time. it never escapes from the truth. like everything is actually a key to another door, and they are never, NEVER on their own. i know i'm repeating but i JUST CAN'T EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH.

this prove that there IS a master planning all of this <3

i had a good day today. an awesome workout followed by a 4-hour karaoke session and dinner afterwards. i asked Z if i was his good friend and he replied, "if you dont think i'm your good friend, i'll go jump down now". (yes he is that dramatic)

but that's what i love about my friends. the connection we share are mutual, and it's always so real. i love the word real. i think so much fakery and pretense are circulating on the minds of millions, and to find something 'real' is an amazing gift. i've always doubted the meaning behind it, but i guess time will tell(i believe time is a very obvious love language). and time has definitely shown that i'm indeed blessed with really good friends. am really, really grateful for that.

i was telling Z about how time is slipping by our hands without any mercy, age is catching up and i feel so old. with this, i feel that i shouldn't be wasting my time on 'people that are not worth it'. i said i'm tired of all these useless entanglements. i want to unravel myself from this complicated webs and stay close to those that really matter. feel like time is running out. these days, i choose who i want to hang out with(re : people that matter). and i really don't try to keep in contact with those whom i deem as 'unworthy'( re : short term/moment friends). but Z said that it's not fair this way. i wanted to laugh out and scream BUT LIFE IS NEVER FAIR ANYWAY. i guess it's okay to be selfish sometimes, well, especially if it makes you free

i told C that i want to be like her. i want to be numb, without any feelings to anyone at all. (but, we should be careful for what we wish for.) C said no that's not good, what if it gets extreme and you won't even feel a slight tinge of regret committing a crime. and i thought about it. that's true.

but i am such an extreme person by nature, and it's so hard to tread along the middle. it's either this or that, there's no in-betweens. this is the hardest part about living

and so, i'm trying my darnest to let go. but it's not that easy. i need to let go COMPLETELY, and once that is settled, i'll be free. but how can i COMPLETELY let go, that's almost impossible.

sigh. how can i live being truly happy, then?

don't think, don't even try to think

erase the mind of thoughts, of anything at all

now breathe

(and keep reminding yourself that everything has no meaning. at all)

life - i see it as a twisting path of routes, convoluted and messy. but then, i believe we will all reach the same destination. if these paths ribbon themselves repeatedly, then i guess that's fate. i've talked enough about fate. fate is the end product, what IN BETWEEN is within our control. simply because we are masters of our own destiny.

today, i felt depressed.

i felt depressed yesterday too. there were so many things on my mind; my insides were screaming and running amok without any mercy. i just had to do something about it. i put on my running shorts, shoes and some random shirt and left the house for a run, hoping, just hoping, that things will get better. i ended up walking around my neighbourhood for 30 minutes, still thinking about unnecessary things. i felt even more depressed. my sanity was being washed away by a sea of convoluted thoughts. i was barely making it alive

i hate feeling this way oh God please help

i feel like i'm in a state of limbo these days, i'm constantly out and about doing something - but i don't feel like i actually am. it's like i'm just floating in this hazy phase of nothingness, trying so hard to inject some meaning, albeit little, but trying still.

i don't even know why i did certain stuffs i did recently. it feels as though i'm tired from always trying to find meaning in everything, that i just give that novelty up entirely. and when i meant entirely, i meant every single nuances of it. and it's such a pity.

with bouts of regrets

i got to know this guy online yesterday, and we talked for three hours. the conversations are fluid and smooth, and there were alot of things that he shared. it's amazing how anonymity breeds familiarity. and, how sometimes it's these strangers that you tend to divulge every dark secret that you have. he was recounting his life story, while sobbing uncontrollably. i told him that it's okay to cry, real men do cry and that's perfectly normal. i urged him to let things go, to stop controlling things beyond his power and rein. i felt sad for him. he asked me why am i trying so hard to motivate him to press on and continue living. i said i don't know. but now, when i think about it, i realise that the only reason was because, i've been there myself. i know how it feels to be so suppressed with your ideals and expectations. and i understand how stifling it feels. it's as though you are choked up by a tight rope on your neck, and the force just gets tighter each time. you can't scream nor shout, and you're the only one in this abyss. but ironically, you're the one who has been repeatedly digging this hole out of your own accord. i saw myself in him, and i really want to pull him away before it gets worst

oh God, please help us

it's funny, i wanted to write something else but i got distracted. and out of randomness, the earlier post was written without having anything in mind. the words just came out like it was supposed to, like as if it was a natural thing to not think and let my hands do the 'talking'

and i read what i wrote. it seems jaded and i feel sad. was that my subsconcious mind talking? is that what i'm truly feeling right now?

+++

i wrote before that a person would be depressed if he tries to find meaning in every single thing he does. and i am that person. but i don't want to be that person anymore. it is SO emotionally and physically exhausting i'm on the brink of giving everything up. when i wake up tomorrow, i'm not gonna care. i'll stop caring, everything will NOT be thought of/considered, even on the slightest level of concern. i'm gonna be the next apathetic fucker who lives life without giving a shit/meaning to ANYTHING at all

sometimes, the truth hurts

those words sting at its very essence, they rapture the truth that you were holding onto all this while. wait, clearly, that isn't the truth. it was a myth, a make-belief, a delusion. you were pining on it to breathe, you were actually breathless all these while. but now, you're drowned. you're fucking drowned

but then again, you need these bitter realities to move on

my heart was *abit* broken last night, and i kept harping on it today. this resulted in 4 jeans(which are fkin awesome cos i love their shades) plus a belt AND OF COURSE A FREAKING HOLE IN MY POCKET. but i guess, it's worth it. i needed that retail therapy, and i've been wanting the shades of that jeans since forever. it's amazing though, i was visualizing the colour in my head, and miraculously, my imagination materialised into reality. thank God

sigh whatever we make do with what we have. when a door closes, another one opens. but idgaf if that door opens. i just don't want any commitment for now, like NOT AT ALL. i'm young, and i'm not gonna be binded by a guy who might not even last. but then again, which gay couple would ever last? yes, i know right. i don't want to waste my time on expectations, which would only serve to beget disappointments. i don't think it's worth it (re :i don't have time for such emotions.)

i've accepted it.

i've moved on. :)

sigh, i think i'll not have any relationships in mind at all. fuck it man, i'm so fucking young i will just have fun and flings and sex all over the place

whenever i hang out with these [guys], subconciously, i would tell myself that i can do so much better than this. i have choices, this free will that i can exploit to my advantage. but, i don't use them because i am so suppressed with my insecurities, till i'm willing to settle for something so much lesser than what i could actually have gotten. and, now, it sounds stupid and silly. it's not that i'm incapable, i just refuse to venture out and try.

tell me something new i don't already know.

and these days, i've been paying very close attention to the nuances of the English language. i've been trying to hone my inferential skills because i realised that most of the time, whatever that is released/promulgated/advertised/said by a [party] does not exactly mean as what it came across. there's actually a hidden agenda, if you actually bothered to be more observant

there are so many things happening at the same time, but yet, i've often realised how so many of them are actually interlinked if i bothered to actually think about it.

well, that's why they say things happen for a reason. and by that, it is EVERY single god-damn thing

yesterday was the release of A level results, and i've been there before - but, it felt so long ago. i don't know how many times i've repeated myself to whoever i talk to; i feel so damn old. with each passing day, this gnawing realisation that i'm a day closer to (death)/(feeling unaccomplished in life) really gets to me. i need to be more useful

i vividly remembered tearing after seeing my results. i felt that i did better than expected, and i was really happy. but, of course, i knew i can do better. i guess the most important lesson in life is to be contented. a limit has to be prescribed, you have to know when is enough. however, it's only human nature to be greedy. what is enough, anyway? yet, i do think it's important to establish this. i feel that without attaining a defined meaning of 'enough', you will never be truly happy. these days, so many people are chasing after (something) unrelentlessly, it's as though they are never contented with what they already have. and it's even sadder when they don't even realise they are actually doing so. everything becomes so meaningless then.

i could go on about this, though i'd prefer having a conversation with someone about this. i would prefer an engaging discussion as opposed to writing(it feels as though i'm talking to a wall)

+++

when this anxiety grips me hard, i have this urge to resolve it asap by finding a quick solution. it has made me tired and panicky. i need to slowly let it go without dealing with it, maybe by this way, this whole anxiety will dissipate and i'll be free. i hope

cry, weep but never wallow.

these days, i've realised that i've been blogging more. this is a positive sign yayers

it was such a dramatic day. i figured out something was amiss in the afternoon(will not further elaborate because i want to forget about it), wanted to bawl my eyes out and literally scream at the top of my lungs - i was just a total wreck. repeatedly, i thank God for blessing me with such awesome friends whom i can easily turn to in moments of despair. i rang up C immediately, poured out my woes and i felt better. sometimes, you just have to let it out of the system and you'd feel liberated from all these tangling webs of complicated shit.

thereafter, i was talking to J about it online. it was just a simple "i feel like crying" and she went like "omg baby why MEET ME NOW". she's so sweet, i love her. we talked alot about it, and she helped me out by rationalising my thoughts and sending a text to the person involved. it was so hard, and i was almost shivering while my heart was palpitating at the speed of sound. that moment was just intense, i hated it. we went deeper by trying to figure out the root problem for both of us(she had some stuffs going on as well) and it was nice. i love my friends, we're always genuine in helping each other out. we never get tired of it <3

J had to go to work, so i met M after that for dinner. M is another amazing friend who would go all out to help his friend. i shared with him about what happened, he gave me his point of view and i really love talking to him because he is so real. he would never hold himself back from his thoughts. that's what i need - someone real who cares enough to tell me the truth, even if the truth hurts. true friend tells you the real deal, and they aren't afraid to do that because of their genuine concern. plus, it was an amazing discourse because he is the sort who would rarely open up but just now, he did. and i felt like this friendship is so rewarding because before he started opening up, he went like, "you are effectively my one and only gay friend" and "omg i've never told this to anyone ever. you're the first". awwww well, obviously he does have other gay friends, but i guess, as we grow up we tend to expect alot from a person whom we regard as a friend so yeah :) like for me, the minimum status quo is good friends. i don't even bother talking to those below that status. i feel that i don't have time for them, or even if i do, it would be better spent on other productive means

i feel good now, much much better than like 1 pm just now :( as i was going back, i was sinking in all the convos i had with my friends - the advices and what i should do. i've rationalised them out and i feel that for now, things are in order. i am more objective and i know what i should rightfully do. i will guard my heart better, and grow up. life goes on :)

Nobody But You by Charles Bukowski

nobody can save you but
yourself.
you will be put again and again
into nearly impossible
situations.
they will attempt again and again
through subterfuge, guise and
force
to make you submit, quit and/or die quietly
inside.

nobody can save you but
yourself
and it will be easy enough to fail
so very easily
but don't, don't, don't.
just watch them.
listen to them.
do you want to be like that?
a faceless, mindless, heartless
being?
do you want to experience
death before death?

nobody can save you but
yourself
and you're worth saving.
it's a war not easily won
but if anything is worth winning then
this is it.

think about it.
think about saving your self.

i have this urge to write about what i did today, it's like there's this gnawing itch to puke everything out about how i really feel. it feels quite extreme

though it's an irony because i can't exactly splurge out on the details but just the brief superficial aspect of it

i went out with X today, and X is a very very close friend whom i love very much. we're so open and comfortable with each other. the feeling is very mutual. but it's platonic, duh. we would talk about sex most of the time, because she is very sexually active and promiscuous but i don't judge her; i love her very much nonetheless. when we hang out, we would plan to shop but this would always fail because we would end up talking about everything. (and it's so easy to talk to her because our personalities really click)

we had some HTHT conversation just now and it really dawned upon me about how there's so much in her that i've yet to discover. and i love this type of friendships. it takes time to slowly unravel what's buried within, which of course, needs to be set on the premise of trust and loyalty. this makes it real, and not some 'moment' type of friends. i've finally understood why she does certain things, which in general, made me realise how interesting humans are. there's only so much we show, but there's so much more deep inside. everyone puts on facades, we carry on living life strong and determined, but who is to know what is actually within? every day, they internalise this baggage, which then made them respond/react/act in that particular manner. people would judge, but when we finally understood the real meaning behind it, it is a whole new story altogether.

this is so interesting, i feel like taking up psychology or something :(

as i was walking back today, i thought alot about today - how eventful and peaceful i feel within.

i talked to zen about how i really felt. i just had to let it out of my chest, because it was bothering me and i was starting to get paranoid. so yes, i've let my guard down - but not entirely. i've learnt to shield myself these days, and over time, this interior becomes stronger. i don't want to think too much about it for now, i will just go with the flow and live life

i went for tuition, and again, this has always served a purpose for me. it makes me feel that i have a direction/objective. and this is particularly important as this whole aimlessness has weaved subtly into my life ever since i'm jobless, i find myself floating sometimes. it's heartening as well because he has been improving remarkably well(close to full marks for quizzes), considering that he got an E for math in PSLE. it feels like i'm doing something right, and this has inspired me to do even better. i really want to help him, i want to be a change

after tuition, i went over to my cousin's place to visit her and the kids. i don't even know where to start. it's really amazing how kids make you feel. their smiles, and their generous affection towards you if they like you - it just makes you feel that there's still hope in life. we went over to the park, and they kept asking me to run along with them. i felt like a young kid all over again. the playground next, and they were running all over the place. they kept wanting me to carry them, and they took turns every single time. i was exhausted. but they're so adorable, and it feels really great to witness their growth at each phase of their life. i was there when they were first brought to this world, now they're each 3, 6 and 8. it's amazing <3

+++

i wonder why but lately, the extent of my realisation that everything REALLY happens for a reason is just seemingly conspicuous. when people tell me that the reason for doing that particular thing is of no significance, i get really doubtful and suspicious. this air of mystery is just speaking to me with loud pangs, and it gets me curious to really find out. humans are so intriguing sometimes

change is the only constant

during lunch just now, eating KFC as per normal(we always eat KFC every single time, it becomes a routine), zhaf and i had a very interesting discussion. i love talking to him, because we would reflect and discuss about relevant topics in a rational and holistic manner. he said that i've changed alot, or rather, in a more accurate term, i've evolved. he added on saying that i've been through so many phases and he has witnessed so much transformation. he says i'm stronger now, and there would be a time where i'd easily say, "I've been there, done that" to many things in life. i replied saying that yes, i agree. you're right but then again, therein comes alot of disappointments and heartbreak. but i guess, with all these 'hurt', i emerge stronger and that is something i'm totally grateful for

and when i think about it, yes he's right. i've matured alot in the span of these 2 years, thought alot, got depressed, picked myself up and am moving on with life. and it's this very essence that makes me feel alive

these days, i bask in the familiarity and comfort of having really awesome friends around me - those who matter so much, and have been with me for so long. i get really excited to see them, and i would really look forward to that, simply because i know i can be myself; they don't judge, and they will still love me for who i really am. these friendships are easy, when we meet, it's as though there's an endless topic to talk about. and i like how we get so deep and philosophical, without trying so hard, because it already is a natural progression.

i really love my friends <3

whenever i walk past by couples, something in me flickers and radiates

i was reading this particular blog(which i always read) and i was imbued with extreme emotions because somehow, although there was no direct link whatsoever, it felt like i've wasted so much of my youth thinking about temporal things that are just meant to kill and destroy my self-esteem (unneccesarily)

and it feels really sad knowing how much time i've lost, with opportunities wasted along the way.....

will work on my personality, having a good heart with superior intelligence. at least these things last forever. and besides, i don't have a face anyway. have to constantly remind myself that a face does not mean ANYTHING AT ALL

+++

needs to stop chasing after things which are never meant to be mine

''no, i don't like gymfit guys ewww!!''

i always cringe and scoff(almost) at friends who gave such remarks with such absolute certainty. i'm like yeahhh, rightttt HOW CAN YOU NOT. everyone(i repeat, EVERYONE. re: gays) LOVE fit guys and it's an oxymoron not to like them. so i've always thought that such guys who don't like them are in denial. but now, i've realised that these 'delusional' guys are the most real beings ever.

it's a very simple logic.

"it's not like they will ever like me. so what's the point of living in this fantasy which will never materialise anyway? why hold yourself back from true happiness? i emphasize the word 'true' happiness here. do you ever think you would be really happy with such guys? do you really think you'll be accepted for who you really are? being with such guys, don't you feel that there are certain ideals he would love you to have? ideals?!?! ideals are NEVER attainable. how can you be truly happy if you feel that you have to be a certain somebody; someone with desirable attributes which unfortunately, does not make you 'you'? to please that guy, you're going to be on this unrelentless pursuit to be what he wants. then WHERE ARE YOU NOW? you're a hybrid of yourself and 'what you hope to finally be'. slowly, your roots disintegrate and you're lost. so do you think it's worth it?"

having an acute sense of self-awareness really helps

i don't want to have expectations, even for the littlest and most trivialised things because i don't see a point in (hoping for) something at all

simply because life without any window of hope will not cause any glasses of disappointments to shatter. i think life will be easier that way. when you start hoping, and it does not turn the way it is, you will start blaming yourself for being at fault(even when clearly it's not your fault, re: irrational). without hoping, every good/bad things will seem to be purely circumstantial. and when you know things happen because they are beyond your control, and ..............................

oh gosh why does it take so much emotional strain in me just to blog. when you're always trying to find meaning in everything, you're constantly sad

paralysis from analysis

this page has been opened for quite some time, but i'm at a loss to what i should write. it feels as though i should start writing a list to give some scope for this entry but that would be so lame and stifling

as for now, i think that i am bordering on the extreme of thoughts because once i even start thinking of something, it will haunt me for long. i'll get all paranoid and it's hard to be rational. that's the only thing i'll think about and i'll catastrophize those thoughts, making it worse than it already is

really don't know why i'm such a wreck.

the best way is not to even think and be completely numb. so i shall do just that

i was telling a friend, about how over these 2 years, i've grown so much as a person and how i would never trade these experiences for anything else. i wouldn't say it was easy, because it was definitely one hell of a ride

and just recently, i got to discover a psychotic side of a used-to-be good friend which was pretty alarming. we were never close from the start anyway(although he treats me as his best friend which was err, weird) but yeah, i'm glad he's out of my life. i'm slowly erasing people from my memories, but of course, only for people who don't matter/not worth investing. i feel like i'm old and time is running out and i should get those worthless people out of my zone and hold on to those that matter really tightly. don't feel i have much energy to engage in superficial conversations or to meet superficial people because they don't last and since they are temporal, there is no point in investing time/effort/energy right?

i totally made sense

and so, i'm done with my job stint. i left earlier because i could not take it any longer, and it made me realise that i am REALLY not a customer-service person. there were tonnes of moments i felt like screaming directly at the customers' faces and wriggle their neck for a good thirty seconds.

i took a slow walk on the way to work yesterday, because i know i wouldn't be walking that route for a long time. this familiarity has started to sink on me, it felt like i belonged there. i breathed in heavily of the air and scent that lingered around, which unfortunately, smelt of dread. ironically, even though it was such a drag to go to work, i learnt quite alot about myself at the very least, and that in itself is something which money can't buy

it felt kind of sad, even though i can't wait to get out of the place. i've forged good friendships with my colleagues and it really saddens me that we got closer only after much later. and i'm not surprised. it has always been that way, anyway. the walls i built within myself need time to be demolished, and those wasted precious times can never be replaced. it's always too late. and there's always so little time to bask in such comfort zones

because good things don't last, and you only have the memories to fall back on

i shall not think

of any unnecessary things

not even the mere thought of thinking about it will bother me

not a slightest bit

it's like a total cleansing of the mind

making it free and pure and innocent

good care

bad also care alot

aiyo don't care AT ALL ok thanks bye

--

it's not like you matter

it's not like i like you or anything

so these voices in my head should just shut the fuck up

and ignore your presence

or 'block' you from msn

i think that's ideal

--

saw you today

after months

and it was awkward

i was so cold and aloof

but it's not my fault

saw you looking

a friend said you kept looking

i was intentionally looking somewhere else

i can't bear to look at you in the eye

can't bear to be reminded of the past

because i want to move on

and from this on

you are officially out of my life

'but everyone has expectations'

life has been unravelling in the most unexpected of circumstances, and i am telling myself that i will not waver. i will fight.

without any expectations that is, because life with expectations is so suffocating. it's like you're tied down by an invisible force that leaves you with so much dread and resent

(realises that it's been a habit - coming to this site, blabber for a while, realised that it takes so much energy to simply blog, deletes everything and leave. i don't want to think, i just want to live)

these thoughts never seem to know what it means to be tired, and relentlessly, they destroy you silently. i don't want to think, any semblance of thought-provoking acts is really not welcome thanks

+++

i typed a long paragraph about something and i feel super loser-ish now great i had to delete them because no, i'm not a loser

+++

everytime i feel shitty and ugly, i'll tell myself that i don't have a face

am talking to an old flame, and it revolts me with such perfect moments which are unfortunately, just distant memories. how i wish to be back there, i tell myself. but reality hits me like a raging wave. ah i'll be alright

so weird but true; we're always chasing for something beyond our reach, trying our hardest to claim identity on something which we can never be ours, but we still do it all the same. always embroiled in this relentless pursuit of grappling with what 'could be mine'

when happiness is just right ahead

but i let it pass

will not think at all; no emotions, no explanations, no justification, nothing.

just numb

but now, it's different

yesterday, my brother and i chatted for an hour plus, and it was a meaningful and REAL conversation without any sense of awkwardness. we've never been close our entire life, but as we grow up, i've realised that we've talked so much more and this in itself is a very big achievement. i guess we've become more matured. we used to bicker over the little-st things, and we would not talk for days and that would linger for long.... but now, it's different. i wouldn't say we talk ALOT now, but the marked improvement is enough for me to feel that 'hey, we can actually sit down and have a proper conversation!'. that speaks something :)

he was telling me about the girl he's chasing after, about their rendezvous and how they met up from the start with all his pick-up lines. he's such a player. he was asking me for advices for a romantic getaway, or what he should do to win her over. but, he has already planned stuffs for her and i thought the lineup was incredibly sweet. i hope it works out between both of them :)

prior to this, he asked me randomly. he was like, 'have you ever loved someone so much, till you think of them every single second?' it was a big instantaneous NO for me, which got me thinking about how i've never loved any guy that deeply even though i've had quite a fair share of experiences with guys. guess i wasn't ready to fully commit myself

but now, it's different. i am currently seeing someone who is so loving and i feel that as long as i've seen beyond his imperfections and flaws, i am finally ready to commit <3

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/the-kinds-of-people-you-can-date/

work as per normal yesterday, yeah i operate on a 5 and a half day working machine. :( met ming, the bestest friend ever, for lunch and chit chat session. it was such a relief. after lunch and everything, we sat at coffee beans(because starbucks was packed) to do some readings. i was people-watching and it was actually very very therapeutic. then, i began writing..... and this is what i randomly wrote on a piece of paper

''hi, i'm sitting in coffee beans, trying to consciously read but to no avail cos i'm so sleepy. my earpiece is tucked inside, and i'm listening to the stripped segment of 987fm and i love it. it's so serene and i'm feeling at peace with myself. the songs are raw to the very essence, there's no grand instruments to modify how it should be originally, and thus, this is how it should be. songs sung by singers with their real voice without any effort to make it sound better because they are good enough. you don't need to justify how good you are by seeing how pleased others are. as long as you think it's good enough, then yes you are. yet, this argument is somewhat invalid because by submitting yourself to it, you are under the premise that the world should revolve around you. but, no, reality hurts. that shouldn't be the way. BUT WHY NOT? THIS IS YOUR life. thus, whatever you do should be based on your own yardstick. those universal standards and guidelines should just go to hell and die because they irritate the hell out of me. but yet, i guess at the end of the day, it's about doing things in moderation without veering towards the extremes. it's about staying afloat in the middle without treading in both ends of the spectrum. but how do i do that? i've been feeling so extreme these days. as i'm writing these, i can't help but to be distracted by this family. they have been exuding such familial warmth and i feel truly happy for them. they are doting on their kid in the most affectionate manner and i can really tell how happy they are. this makes me really happy. it reminds me of myself when i was a small kid. i'm sure my parents doted and loved me till no end. it's not that they don't now, but i guess it's different. we're all grown up and we're somewhat drifted apart from our parents. it's unwarranted to doubt if they really love me, but like there're no actions. so what do i base them on? chemistry? connection? i don't know..."

these days, i have been immersing myself deeply in thoughts and i thought how awesome it would be if i can just pen them/type them down instantly. it's like a chore to get back home and recollect all of these just to blog about it, it's almost tiring and i don't have much energy

everything seems far and distant even though they are just a few days away. looks like i have mastered the ability to be apathetic, slowly being indifferent to everything around me. these memories flutter away like the wind, and i just don't have the courage to bring them back to bask myself in such indulgences, because doing so would require me to switch to that particular persona, and i'm tired to transform every single time

peter asked me yesterday what would make me really happy. i didn't give much thought about it(probably because i have given TOO much thought into it), these words were instant and they just came out naturally.

''i would be really happy if there's no one else in this world, or rather, there would be no one that i know. in a foreign land, maybe? i just don't want to see any semblance of humanity, because i don't want to be judged AT ALL."

you make me all fuzzy and warm inside, and this time, i hope it's real

time is flying so fast, and sometimes i don't ever want to move. every second, life zooms past and it never ever stops. but all i want is to lie horizontal, motionless against these never-ending race because i'm so tired of going through the whole phase repeatedly, simply because i don't have a choice

just got back from the gym+dinner session with zhaf, and i feel... enriched. you know you have friends whom you rarely meet, but when you do, it feels like you guys have not parted. it feels the same. you guys can basically talk about anything; about those deep feelings you've been suppressing all these while because you just don't feel like sharing. but because this friendship is easy, the conversation just flowed and you finally got to the point of what you -truly- feel without holding it back because you know that person won't judge you anyway. and it goes on and on and on till you're finally breathless but you feel soooo damn good inside because you've finally spewed out all the burning lava within you. then, that person is still willing to listen and -really- offer you what he/she -truly- feels about the situation, suggest a solution peppered with matured advices that are so true and comforting.

zhafri is THAT friend. i'm blessed and i love him so much <3

am chatting to an old flame via msn right now, and i really really really miss him though it's just not possible for us to be together. i still recall the times we spent in each other's arms; we were so carefree and jubilant and i've always thought of him as the perfect guy. but i guess we can't always get what we want, and ideals are never attainable in reality anyway

and it just so happened that i was over at I's place last night. coincidentally, we were talking about how we really enjoy each other's company but we just can't be together. yknow like how some things are just not meant to be, be it due to circumstances or whatever. it's pretty sad, yeah, and there's really no point trying so hard for things that you know aren't for yours to keep. it's better letting it go than fighting for something which is never yours in the first place, but still keeping it tight under your rein because it just 'feels right' to do so. move on <3

well, i have new dates now and it seems as though i am still holding a wall within, but i'm sure it's for my own good. if he loves me enough, he will break it and i will welcome him with open arms

i had my first lesson with a secondary one kid yesterday. i was pretty hesitant because i really don't think i can teach. well, i honestly feel that teachers shoulder a very heavy responsibility because they are tasked to mould the future of the students. at my age(without much knowledge nor experience), i doubt i can really do that. besides, my patience/tolerance is pretty low(at least it's improving hehehe). finally thought it through and figured that God wouldn't give me a challenge which i can't handle. :) will try my best to make this work since i know i have (some) control over his future

on the way back from tuition, i saw an old classmate from primary school. we exchanged quick glances and i'm sure we recognise each other, but i guess the bond we once shared wasn't strong enough for us to actually come say hi to each other. well, that was alright. i figured that wow, she has changed so much. and then, memories from the past starting flooding my mind one after the other. i was reminiscing about myself back when i was 13; be-spectacled, innocent, parading around school with my blue nike bag(i thought it was damn cool at that point of time) with this wavy hairstyle which i felt i looked good with. i must have looked bony and horrible, but i felt really good about myself. i remember feeling all fly. i miss such confidence; i am bent on getting it back

this made me realise how time really flies. on the eve of the new year, i exclaimed repeatedly to my colleagues, 'OMG IT'S GONNA BE 2011 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. TIME IS FLYING SO DAMN FAST'. the new year hasn't really sunk in yet though. i still can't believe i'm done with NS, anyway. i never thought that was even remotely possible. it's gonna be the start of uni this year, and once again, i thought this will never happen. it feels as though we are in this constant race where we'll never stop running but ironically, we're so used to running till we didn't even realise we've ACTUALLY been running all these while. sad sad truth

but i shall be positive about life cos there is so much to be thankful for. i find myself consciously counting my blessings each day, and i'm slowly appreciating life as it beckons. seeing those cute smiles on a child's face makes me really happy. made me realise how the world isn't so bad afterall. i think i really love kids, they cheer up my day. and whenever i see old couples holding hands(or joking around with each other; displaying acts of passion) i get really really really happy with goosebumps all over. they give me SO SO SO much hope that true love does exist and it's all just a matter of time <3

imagine having a million in your bank account

i was TRYING to really feel how it's like to have so much money. it felt liberating, well, almost on top of the world. i was getting all excited; damn, i can finally buy ANYTHING i want. like the latest collection of my favourite brands, without any inhibitions or hesitance. if that looks good on me, it's gonna be in my closet this very second!! oh and that bag! that perfect bag i've been eyeing for. topped with those sexy shoes i was salivating all this while. i could easily indulge myself with all the material comforts and bask in such luxury, just because i can afford it.

but then, i was thinking. how long can this last? wouldn't this get boring? probably, the mere fact that i can ACTUALLY afford these(without any worries at all) makes the whole spending less exciting. it may sound paradoxical but come to think of it, it might be true. imagine having THAT amount of wealth and thus, you can easily buy anything you want because simply, you can afford it. the whole excitement getting something new wouldn't be relevant, the whole novelty of spending is slowly rubbed off. now, the whole dimension of spending is ascribed to the fact that you can EASILY do it because well, you are rich. there's nothing to really treasure about

having that amount of wealth doesn't guarantee you happiness either. imagine having that kind of wealth without a true love(which i think will determine your true happiness). you'll feel empty, lonely and the great deal about having so much wealth wouldn't really be a deal afterall.

i guess at the end of the day, what we all need is love

am trying to not let the small things get to me, because life is so much more than that

i fell sick again yesterday. i've fallen sick so many times these days. people think that it's due to the stress at work and though i do agree to a certain extent, i think it's the weather. the weather is so terrible these days. it's so cold in the office, and when i'm outside, it's so hot. i need to stock up on vitamins before i get any weaker

was trying to do my matriculation but i figured that i'm still undecided. i need to think about it again, and make a decision before the 1st of Feb. pretty unsure if i should enrol in the Special Term since my brain has turned rusty. decisions decisions

am slowly loosening my control over things. if things are meant to be, i don't have to try so hard. let go

Grateful.

i wanted to actually spew out all the lava within me, tainted with all the negative emotions but i recalled the promise to myself that with this blog, there will be a new beginning. it's a brand new me. i'm not gonna give in to such debilitating thoughts; i'm gonna fight and conquer them

slowly, i'm beginning to place my identity on things that last. like brains and a nice heart. i'm starting to realise how temporal the whole looks thing is, and how it shouldn't even matter. it's not important AT ALL. and so, i'm feeling a little more at peace with myself these days.

whenever those thoughts come running amok, i'll literally ignore them simply because they are not worth attending to. slowly(but surely), they dispel themselves entirely and i feel liberated.

at work today, there was a man with a growth on his head. it was huge but he didn't seem daunted by it. he seems very cheerful(but we'll never know what lies underneath). however, he made me realise how we really shouldn't care about looks(and its superficial counterparts). there is so much more to life than how we look

actually all i wanted to say is that i'm really thankful and contented for everything that God has blessed upon me <3

Resolutions.

for a brand new start, i have newfound resolutions(i've never had resolutions for 20 years of my life). it may sound cliche and hackneyed, and i could wish for so much more, but at the end of the day, these are what i truly yearned for

be happy. i just want to be happy. i've plunged into an abyss of self-hatred and insecurity issues last year. it was terrible. nights of blackness engulfed my skies and all i could think of was to escape from this place and run away. THIS WILL END. i'm gonna embrace life between my palms and say yes, i'll start loving you. this time, i'll be happy

be true to myself. there are probably life-changing decisions to make this year, but as heavy as it sounds, it's gonna be a simple decision cast. i'll stay true to my passion, my beliefs and what i've always wanted. i'm not gonna lie or be in a mould carved by expectations of others'. this is MY life, i'm gonna do it MY way

let go. last year, i've held myself back from big opportunities, simply because i was afraid of failure. i was too suppressed in my comfort zones. this year, i'm gonna fly. i want to break free, away from all the inhibitions. i will set my priorities straight. i'm going to let go of my perfectionistic values and ideals. i just want to try, even if i fail, at least i tried. i don't want any regrets

live life. i'm not gonna float around aimlessly, just like what i've been doing last year. i'm gonna make the best out of everything

happy new year xx