So, i haven't settled down to study. All i want to do is to play, chill and just everything else which has no relation to mugging.

I don't know what's happening anymore. It feels as though i don't care anymore.

Yet, despite all these turbulence within myself, i stil feel calm. A reassuring calm that everything will turn out okay eventually.

maybe, i've come to realise that grades aren't everything afterall. maybe, i've come to realise that all of these endless pursuits are useless if we're not contented and genuinely happy. maybe, i've come to realise that i'm chasing after something i don't quite know of. maybe, i've come to realise that i've toned down but i don't know what's important and what's useless.

maybe, i've come to realise that i shouldn't exist.

and today is one of those days when the world seems too dark for me to tread my way through, and the only way is to get out and escape before i swallow all of them in and take a plunge

it was horrible.

i just needed to get out of all of these mess and breathe. i had to get away from all of the people around me before they drive me nuts. these very people have been driving me to a wall, because i hate how superficial and fake everyone is. save a few, the rest are just a bunch of pretentious people with disgusting thick walls of facade. i felt suppressed being around such people. i felt like i couldn't breathe. it felt as though i was in a different world with people of similar wavelengths whose foundation is premised on shallow concepts of conformity.

and it irks me so fucking bad when i realise how certain people act and behave differently when they are in different situations. like what the fuck is that all about? can't you just be yourself and not change to be someone else? adapting is fine, but not when you are a completely different person you fucktard. where's your fucking roots? eh wait, do you even have one?

i hope i'm overthinking, but all those bitching should seriously just stop. okay these people don't matter and so i don't give a flying fuck about what they think. whatever they say/think do not have a bearing on me beacuse i don't give a fuck about people who don't matter.

so yeah whatever. i'm done with this shit. i'm just gonna lead my own life, stay true to myself and live. i'll not give a shit to people who don't matter. i'm not even gonna try anymore. because simply, they're just not worth it.

and today's the day when you're triggered by that something. 


And i define that something as something that eats up your soul, that very feeling of paranoia and anxiety. That something which causes you to do stuffs you tell yourself a million times not to, but you still did it anyway. That something that you swear not to think of again, but when triggered, it shines ever so brightly at the back of your mind, ripping off every single hope you hold firmly to.

Why? Because it's a fucking syndrome that controls every part of you till you're just dead but alive at the same time.

That something ate me up.

sometimes it feels that i'm just floating, and i don't know what exactly am i doing here. i'm not lost, but i don't feel that i belong here either. this extra effort needed to make everything work - are they worth it? are they worth my sacrifices?

sometimes i wake up feeling all motivated then i get reminded of all the bleak promises i have for the future and i'll end up in square one. back to fucking square one. where's that everlasting drive i used to have? where's the zeal, the enthusiasm, the effervescent spirit that keeps every negative emotion at bay?

where is the strong me? what have i morphed into? am i lost?

With so many things unravelling all at one go, i find myself out of breath. But it's so hard to let it all out, it's as though the natural defence mechanism is to keep it all inside; suppress and let it explode

I don't know man. It just feels.... wrong. Everything just seems bleak and impossible