i feel incredibly incoherent. it's amazing how some people can string their sentences so beautifully :)

so today i went rollerblading with ming and leah and i had so much fun. feels like i dont have to try to be someone better/less awkward around them. i just have to be myself and it feels liberating. i would like to be friends with them forever because they are true/real and true/real friends last forever

i annoy myself to no end

feels like i am constantly wanting 'something' all the time, but i am not working as hard as the extent of my want. they are all thoughts that are always seemingly throbbing my brain but i don't have the drive/motivation/control to rule them and do some actions. those are just thoughts without any action

also, it annoys me how i am so not motivated to do the best in whatever i do

and how i get brored of people and things really fast

sigh i am so useless i hope this is not some negative self-fulfilling prophecy

so i just ended work today and i must say it was a really nice experience. the colleagues were really great, and friendly and i felt comfortable around them.

though when at the end of it, i was thinking about how these people are really nice and i would not mind seeing them everyday but circumstances dictate that our paths only intersect for 5 days. and in reality, i am swarmed with people i do not really like and i HAVE to see them everyday. i guess the latter group of poeple adds more colour to my life

these days, i fear that my memory is failing me. either that, or i feel too tired/numb to feel. i fear that i can't remember/do not feel any memories that are worth remembering/jotting them down here because it feels so unnecessary

but it's necessary. these moments are the ones that i will cling onto when the roads get tough. these memories are the ones that will keep me going when i feel weak; they are the ones that make me alive

words are cathartic, and so, writing is a form of catharsis. i've realised that when i come here, i'm all emotionally charged and slowly, once these words slowly float out of my system, my heart beats normally

was having a chat with ina, about fate. about how i feel like i am always stuck in this periphery and i can't go beyond. but then again, it feels that i am fine with it. simply because i know everything happens for a reason, and these reasons are determined by God. and if God determines and controls them, then i have nothing to worry about because i will be safe. i will be safe in His plan.

we will all be safe

am feeling so fucked up i feel like crying. like for real

everyone has limits and when you've tried your hardest to keep it all together, sometimes, you fail and wither and just... have had enough. i want to cry

it's this particular moment which makes you realise that there is no fucking point in trying. why the fuck try? WHY THE FUCK DO WE TRY? WHY THE HELL DO I KEEP TRYING, THEN FAIL ALL THE SINGLE TIME? i hate this fucking feeling but i still do it because i am numb and heartless. but it's such an irony when these very feelings of nonchalance suddenly well up and tear me apart, because the boulder to withstand all the emotions have broken into tiny fragments of nothingness

i really want to give up, i really do. but somehow, this vicious cycle will turn around and make me cling on to hope. and this very dim ray of hope still burns vicariously within. so i will be back to square one, and the whole cycle repeats itself

but i still try nonetheless. i fucking do try

yet, repeatedly, i fail.