last night, i dreamt of 2 guys. they look similar, but vaguely different. it was still fresh on my mind when i woke up, but now, the memories are faint and dim. i remember i was together with one of them, and somehow, we broke up and i got together with the other one. yet, i was still clinging on to the first one and i couldn't let go. i see A's face in B's and it was very suffocating. it was hard to express how i felt, my lips were tied and the words always seemed so heavy.

despite everything that has happened, we're all still back to square one. this sucks

these 2 days were spent with people i love. and it's incredibly sweet when a 'i love spending time with you' came out of nowhere, in a very random and abrupt manner, but you know that person meant it because the look of sincerity from their eyes just melts your heart.

i just love how stable my friendships are. we don't have to meet/talk everyday but when we do meet, things will be the same. we're still the same old chummy people, and we've not changed.

things are still the same.

just now, a friend commented that i have a lot of ''i don't like that person and i'm not going to talk to him/her'' kind of moments. but i've to agree. like i've explained, i have a friendship theory with good friends as the minimum status quo. i don't care about people below that status, and i'm pretty blatant with the way i express it. i hate being fake and show them that i like them when i actually don't. i don't see the point of that, anyway. we're not 10 anymore. we fight for our own happiness.

and that's the beauty of choice. you CHOOSE to be wrapped in a beautiful bubble of your stable friends whom you know will last(instead of climbing the social hierarchy aimlessly), and thereby, you get rewarding friendships. these are the very people you share your deepest darkest secrets with, but they won't judge and will still love you all the same. you keep them close at bay, while repelling any 'unwanted' territories who don't deserve it.

not everyone is deserving of your time and effort anyway

these days, i've been feeling very uneasy. it's like, there is this constant gnawing spasm of hatred at myself. i feel so uncomfortable around myself, at myself. there is this very strong urge to lift up my nose in an elevated motion just to feel at ease. i think i'm mentally retarded. i think i've not loved myself. i think as long as i continue feeling this way, i'll be alone. how can i ever seek love when i don't even love myself? i just don't want to think about it. i want to be happy, because............... i deserve it?

i just don't want to look at guys anymore. guys make me paranoid. omg i hate myself omg slash wrists now sigh hate this feeling i shall sleep it off and wake up with a smile. things will be brighter tomorrow, i shall be my own sun

today, i felt like crying and screaming and pulling my hair out and biting my nails all at once. i felt extremely self-conscious, my heart was beating too fast, way too fast. i was in a state of constant panic and anxiety.

someone told me that we shouldn't seek love. instead, we should seek to find the barriers we built against ourselves. AND DESTROY THEM.  fucking shit how true is that. i don't even know how to destroy them though, i think it takes an insurmountable amount of courage to do that. which, unfortunately, isn't in my favour.

ah i feel like scratching myself now. i can't seem to let go. fuck just let it all go you dumbass WHY CAN'T YOU DO SUCH A SIMPLE THING?

let go let go let go breathe breathe breathe calm yourself down relax take it easy chill out OMG I WANT TO CRY BYE

yesterday, without any apparent trigger(maybe it was my hair, or like a heightened awareness of my flaws and imperfections), i felt this immense sense of paranoia. and fatigue. how long more can i do this? all these facades, to be something i'm not. i'm tired of it. but, this is life. this is how we are going to survive.

so, i thank God for my awesome bestfriend whom i know i can be myself with, and she still won't judge. she would love me all the same. it is so easy to be around her. yesterday, we just laughed and made a fool of ourselves. these are what we do best. but i wasn't even trying. i didn't even have to try. i was just myself. i was tired, i was shagged, i was boring. but i didn't make any conscious effort to liven up the spirit. i was just absorbed in my own waves, but because our frequencies are amazingly similar, it was still fun. we were still ourselves. we weren't someone else.

best friends forever <3

these days, i realise that what's really scary is the fact that i'm so deprecatingly self-aware - but i just don't act upon them. is this a i-dont-give-a-fuck attitude, or is it denial? either way, it's bad.

whenever i'm alone, on the way to work, or just having some moment to myself, thoughts will always flutter rapidly on my mind. but soon enough, they dissipate and fly away like the flowing breeze. this fleeting moment is so transitory and transient, feels like i should hold onto them before they're gone. and the only way to keep it close is by penning it down, or writing it here. but that very action now doesn't excite me as much as before. writing used to be cathartic, it used to be one of the very medium for expression of thoughts; for freedom; for a route of escapism. but now, it feels like i'm here just to 'kill time'.

this is so pathetic.

but anyway, on the way to work, i was thinking of how remotely possible it is for me to fall in love with someone, and loving his flaws/imperfections through and through, and him loving me back for who i truly am. it seems like an impossible feat. and plus, i feel that it's ridiculous to be committed to the same person for like months, what more, years. that's like whutttt????? i think i'll get bored and start flirting around.

think i'll be single for life heh <3

i'm very annoyed. i know God is fair, and everything happens for a reason. but it annoys the hell out of me when i know, I KNOW, that for a fact, right after everything is smooth and awesome, things will DEFINITELY turn for the worst soon enough. most of the time, it comes as something very expected, and i just knew it was waiting to spring up on me. GRR.

and with regards to the whole boyfriend issue, i think i'm just unlucky in that sense. tell me something new i don't already know. i'm so suay generally, and i need a flower bath ASAP. but anyway, it's always the case of me liking some trophies who won't reciprocate my feelings, or the other way round, whereby i won't reciprocate some guys who have feelings for me because they're just not my type.

or maybe, i've not fully accepted who i really am, to allow someone in.

hi. i don't know what to say, and it fears the hell out of me that one day, one unfateful day, i might even lose the ability to express myself, which is to me, the very reason to remain sane.

over the span of these weeks, i've realised, in a very blatant manner, that every single word/expression is of paramount importance. it's like as though every single thing matters, and thus, they have to be crafted and thought out very carefully. this kinda freaks me out, because i tend to have a very lackadaisical attitude with regards to things in general. i wonder what impression do i leave on people.

+++

and no, it's not that i don't love myself. i know that before you love someone, you need to love yourself first. but it's just that... i think i'll be single forever.