change is the only constant

during lunch just now, eating KFC as per normal(we always eat KFC every single time, it becomes a routine), zhaf and i had a very interesting discussion. i love talking to him, because we would reflect and discuss about relevant topics in a rational and holistic manner. he said that i've changed alot, or rather, in a more accurate term, i've evolved. he added on saying that i've been through so many phases and he has witnessed so much transformation. he says i'm stronger now, and there would be a time where i'd easily say, "I've been there, done that" to many things in life. i replied saying that yes, i agree. you're right but then again, therein comes alot of disappointments and heartbreak. but i guess, with all these 'hurt', i emerge stronger and that is something i'm totally grateful for

and when i think about it, yes he's right. i've matured alot in the span of these 2 years, thought alot, got depressed, picked myself up and am moving on with life. and it's this very essence that makes me feel alive

these days, i bask in the familiarity and comfort of having really awesome friends around me - those who matter so much, and have been with me for so long. i get really excited to see them, and i would really look forward to that, simply because i know i can be myself; they don't judge, and they will still love me for who i really am. these friendships are easy, when we meet, it's as though there's an endless topic to talk about. and i like how we get so deep and philosophical, without trying so hard, because it already is a natural progression.

i really love my friends <3

whenever i walk past by couples, something in me flickers and radiates

i was reading this particular blog(which i always read) and i was imbued with extreme emotions because somehow, although there was no direct link whatsoever, it felt like i've wasted so much of my youth thinking about temporal things that are just meant to kill and destroy my self-esteem (unneccesarily)

and it feels really sad knowing how much time i've lost, with opportunities wasted along the way.....

will work on my personality, having a good heart with superior intelligence. at least these things last forever. and besides, i don't have a face anyway. have to constantly remind myself that a face does not mean ANYTHING AT ALL

+++

needs to stop chasing after things which are never meant to be mine

''no, i don't like gymfit guys ewww!!''

i always cringe and scoff(almost) at friends who gave such remarks with such absolute certainty. i'm like yeahhh, rightttt HOW CAN YOU NOT. everyone(i repeat, EVERYONE. re: gays) LOVE fit guys and it's an oxymoron not to like them. so i've always thought that such guys who don't like them are in denial. but now, i've realised that these 'delusional' guys are the most real beings ever.

it's a very simple logic.

"it's not like they will ever like me. so what's the point of living in this fantasy which will never materialise anyway? why hold yourself back from true happiness? i emphasize the word 'true' happiness here. do you ever think you would be really happy with such guys? do you really think you'll be accepted for who you really are? being with such guys, don't you feel that there are certain ideals he would love you to have? ideals?!?! ideals are NEVER attainable. how can you be truly happy if you feel that you have to be a certain somebody; someone with desirable attributes which unfortunately, does not make you 'you'? to please that guy, you're going to be on this unrelentless pursuit to be what he wants. then WHERE ARE YOU NOW? you're a hybrid of yourself and 'what you hope to finally be'. slowly, your roots disintegrate and you're lost. so do you think it's worth it?"

having an acute sense of self-awareness really helps

i don't want to have expectations, even for the littlest and most trivialised things because i don't see a point in (hoping for) something at all

simply because life without any window of hope will not cause any glasses of disappointments to shatter. i think life will be easier that way. when you start hoping, and it does not turn the way it is, you will start blaming yourself for being at fault(even when clearly it's not your fault, re: irrational). without hoping, every good/bad things will seem to be purely circumstantial. and when you know things happen because they are beyond your control, and ..............................

oh gosh why does it take so much emotional strain in me just to blog. when you're always trying to find meaning in everything, you're constantly sad

paralysis from analysis

this page has been opened for quite some time, but i'm at a loss to what i should write. it feels as though i should start writing a list to give some scope for this entry but that would be so lame and stifling

as for now, i think that i am bordering on the extreme of thoughts because once i even start thinking of something, it will haunt me for long. i'll get all paranoid and it's hard to be rational. that's the only thing i'll think about and i'll catastrophize those thoughts, making it worse than it already is

really don't know why i'm such a wreck.

the best way is not to even think and be completely numb. so i shall do just that

i was telling a friend, about how over these 2 years, i've grown so much as a person and how i would never trade these experiences for anything else. i wouldn't say it was easy, because it was definitely one hell of a ride

and just recently, i got to discover a psychotic side of a used-to-be good friend which was pretty alarming. we were never close from the start anyway(although he treats me as his best friend which was err, weird) but yeah, i'm glad he's out of my life. i'm slowly erasing people from my memories, but of course, only for people who don't matter/not worth investing. i feel like i'm old and time is running out and i should get those worthless people out of my zone and hold on to those that matter really tightly. don't feel i have much energy to engage in superficial conversations or to meet superficial people because they don't last and since they are temporal, there is no point in investing time/effort/energy right?

i totally made sense

and so, i'm done with my job stint. i left earlier because i could not take it any longer, and it made me realise that i am REALLY not a customer-service person. there were tonnes of moments i felt like screaming directly at the customers' faces and wriggle their neck for a good thirty seconds.

i took a slow walk on the way to work yesterday, because i know i wouldn't be walking that route for a long time. this familiarity has started to sink on me, it felt like i belonged there. i breathed in heavily of the air and scent that lingered around, which unfortunately, smelt of dread. ironically, even though it was such a drag to go to work, i learnt quite alot about myself at the very least, and that in itself is something which money can't buy

it felt kind of sad, even though i can't wait to get out of the place. i've forged good friendships with my colleagues and it really saddens me that we got closer only after much later. and i'm not surprised. it has always been that way, anyway. the walls i built within myself need time to be demolished, and those wasted precious times can never be replaced. it's always too late. and there's always so little time to bask in such comfort zones

because good things don't last, and you only have the memories to fall back on

i shall not think

of any unnecessary things

not even the mere thought of thinking about it will bother me

not a slightest bit

it's like a total cleansing of the mind

making it free and pure and innocent

good care

bad also care alot

aiyo don't care AT ALL ok thanks bye

--

it's not like you matter

it's not like i like you or anything

so these voices in my head should just shut the fuck up

and ignore your presence

or 'block' you from msn

i think that's ideal

--

saw you today

after months

and it was awkward

i was so cold and aloof

but it's not my fault

saw you looking

a friend said you kept looking

i was intentionally looking somewhere else

i can't bear to look at you in the eye

can't bear to be reminded of the past

because i want to move on

and from this on

you are officially out of my life

'but everyone has expectations'

life has been unravelling in the most unexpected of circumstances, and i am telling myself that i will not waver. i will fight.

without any expectations that is, because life with expectations is so suffocating. it's like you're tied down by an invisible force that leaves you with so much dread and resent

(realises that it's been a habit - coming to this site, blabber for a while, realised that it takes so much energy to simply blog, deletes everything and leave. i don't want to think, i just want to live)

these thoughts never seem to know what it means to be tired, and relentlessly, they destroy you silently. i don't want to think, any semblance of thought-provoking acts is really not welcome thanks

+++

i typed a long paragraph about something and i feel super loser-ish now great i had to delete them because no, i'm not a loser

+++

everytime i feel shitty and ugly, i'll tell myself that i don't have a face