don't know why. it's so oxymoronic. it feels as though there's this wave of tranquility seeping through my veins, but despite the calm moments, i feel pretty unsettled. i'm so confused and..... just complicated

and it's one of those moments again when i've realised that i have not been living in the moment. too much floating around has been done, too much of lurking around aimlessly without any goals in mind. this really sucks. i'm so tired of losing my things.

shall live in the moment and focus on the now, and not on the future or the past. live for today, and grab whatever that comes along in the moment. don't wait till it's gone

And now, camp is over.

There are so many things i can say, but one thing for sure, i need to start believing in myself. I've casted so much doubts within, and it has cemented into a strong belief which made me believe that i'm really incapable of what i am actually capable of.

I need to start taking risks, and step out of my comfort zone. I've been in it for too long and it's not helping.

Furthermore, what's with all these judgements i impose onto others? Who am i to judge? I'm a nobody. I don't have the right to judge. Afterall, looks don't matter. What matters is your character and your heart, others are just transitory and transient. They will wither and fade with the passing of time, but your inner beauty lasts forever.

So, lessons learnt.
1) Believe in myself.
2) Don't judge.
3) Character is way more important than anything else.

It feels like these days, i have been a self-critic with regards to my existence in this world. It feels as though i've not done anything substantial which is worthy to be proud of, feels like i've been here wasting my time and space and energy and money and food and water and everything else that comes along with it.

I want to do something. I shall start off by loving myself. And finish a book by sunday.

It feels like i have wasted my time all these while, and so, it's time for me to make a difference and be the change.

now, school's starting. but i'm really doubtful that i can churn out a systematic and coherent essay since i've not written for so long. i guess with time, and proper planning of the essay, i should be fine.

camp's next week. and i really hope i'll make new friends. you know like how socially retarded i can get? and that sucks big time because i do not want to be a loser in school. i don't want to be a loser.

can't believe school is really starting soon. a new chapter has begun, and i'm sure it would be more exciting in time to come. i just hope i'll have fun, excel and make the best out of it. i really hope i wouldn't regret any moment of it.

(i'll promise myself that i'll shut those voices in my head)

it kinda scares me that school is starting soon. time flies. yet, i didn't really feel that it was actuallly THIS fast. it's as though all these while, i wasn't in the moment. i was just floating around, looking for something to pull me together. but, i was helplessly doing so because it just seems... impossible to grasp.

people need me now. but, i am feeling like a selfish bitch. because who is there for me?

and again, today is one of those (rather frequent) days where things seem bleak and you feel so fucked up