Syukur Alhamdulillah

God is amazing. He is definitely willing to help you, as long as YOU help yourself first.

you know ever since i've stopped working, i've been slacking so much. however, i still harboured the thought of getting a job, before i slept everyday, i would pray(in a very insincere and reluctant manner) for God to bless me with a job. i wasn't serious, and of course, who else would know better than Himself. indeed, i wanted to slack and just play. but along the way, it got really meaningless. didn't know where my life was heading towards. i hate such feelings of uncertainty, it felt as though i was just traipsing on an unstable terrain and i could fall any moment. i like when things are in order(well who doesnt), but it seems more like an OCD for me though. i need to deal with this

so, i beefed up a proper resume(although i was SUPER SUPER DAMN LAZY AND DISTRACTED) but somehow miraculously, after 2 hours, i did it. i thought my resume and CV were really not bad, i was rather impressed by it HAHAHA. so, i sent them to some random companies, hoping to get a reply. after sending them out, i realised that I SENT MY RESUME TO ONE OF THE COMPANY FOR THE WRONG POSITION OMG. HAHA I was like ah whatever shit man i'm not gonna re-send if it's fated i'll get it, it's not like i didn't put in any effort my resume was still sent anyway.

AND BY A STROKE OF MIRACLE, THAT PARTICULAR COMPANY(THE ONE I SENT MY RESUME FOR THE WRONG POSITION) CALLED ME UP IN AN HOUR'S TIME. i told you God is amazing. as long as you try/put in some effort and leave the rest to Him(let it go), He will work his magic for you <3 anyway i've always loved the feeling of relief and freedom once i know i'll leave it to Him, like the whole burden is lifted off my shoulders and i KNOW and i ACKNOWLEDGE that it IS left in good hands ( re : A levels ). i guess it's liberating when you relinquish your control over such things sometimes, knowing that God is the one who controls it all and it is all in our best interests anyway :)

after that phone interview, i was invited for an interview today(at 11am just now). and it was all really rushing cos i had to take a passport-sized photo which i didn't have, and i still need to photocopy my certs and testimonials. my dad went out and my stuffs were inside the room(and he locked his room) and i was totally panicking, but thankfully, he came back just in time. then, i realised that i lost my PSLE cert(they wanted it) and my School Graduation Cert from pj which meant i didn't have my official A level cert!! HAHAHHA SUAY OR WHAT. so i just photocopied the PAPER SLIP which we all receive during results day HAHAHAHAHA whatever la huh at least it's something right.

the interview went well thankfully. she was rather impressed by my resume, and she said she 'had high expectations of me'. i went like wow okay hahaha and the coolest part was she offered me a job there and then, requesting me to start TOMORROW. THANK GOD. (but i was quite blonde during the interview actually....) so anyway i said yes and i hope i love it cos i'm doing marketing cum admin with more focus on marketing so i hope it's good and i hope my colleagues are fun and like i hope my superiors are cool people pray for me! <3

ALLAH SWT IS GREAT <3

:( sigh i feel so sianed out i feel like running all over the place but it's hot and i don't want to get any darker

SIGH

i need a freaking job but i'm fucking lazy to even do up a proper resume. something's bogging me down, and i feel like relinquishing all these fluffy connections with stupid guys what a waste of my time seriously

i got a haircut today and i wasn't really satisfied about it. i was whining, and a very good friend blurted out a nice comment, "omg you know, it's just damn hard for you to be ugly". at that particular moment, i just brushed it away and replied a 'thank you' curtly. then i slipped into another conversation altogether. i'm in this phase where i'm trying to not care about looks at all, so i'll just be apathetic about such comments. because well, they don't matter(trying to reaffirm myself every single day). there's greater things in life.

but now, when out of a sudden, that comment whizzed by my mind and i'm trying to absorb it - it just feels that i've been trying so hard to be accepted. and it feels so meaningless now. why did i put myself in such emotional torture every single day? i guess i just wanted to feel loved. by extension, the true act of love is hard to come by these days anyway. so it's like i'm chasing after an ideal. but fuck it, ideals are never attainable in reality......................

(only God knows what we're fighting for)

i was talking to a very good friend just now about the virtual world. about how we present a facade to the other party; normally it's an ideal that we wish to portray to arouse their interest. and sometimes, we veer towards another persona altogether. we suppress our true identity along the way, and it freaks us out when we are actually gonna meet that person. and therein lies the question : are we willing to change for someone? or should we just be ourselves because if that person truly loves us, then well, he/she should accept us for who we truly are? but what if it's not at the stage of love, it's still at the initial - and being yourself would kill your chances, and you don't want that because he's actually damn good for you(but the catch is, he likes the persona you're injecting, and not your true self)?

SO HOW

with regards to my previous post, maybe i should just fuck it. i should just live and get hurt, because to have loved and lost is better than not having to love at all. we only live once anyway.

+++

you said why am i so mean and rough to you, why do i say 'fuck off', 'go and die' and harsh words like those. why can't i just be nice and sweet and say all the lovely things? well, as much as it's alright to be hurt, i can't let you in completely. people change, and i bloody well know that fact. and if by one stroke of fate, in the future, if you'll ever leave, at least i have something still within to hold onto.

now i'm trying not to reflect and think about it. i've been doing alot of those though, i always tend to introspect and reminisce every single thing, digging up the hole just to incorporate some meaning, but feeling exhausted after. i need to let go, i need to stop thinking that everything is meaningful. well simply because many things are not, even though they do happen for a reason.

but just now, when i hear your voice, my insides flickered rampantly and just exploded into wisps of golden lights. you said why do i sound like i'm panting. the truth is dear, i was. i was trying to gasp for air just hearing your voice. i wanted to scream, run all around my house, jump up and down, hugged my bolster till there were creases - all at once. i was so excited. and then, i thought of all my flaws and shortcomings and i feel sad. i don't deserve love, i don't deserve any of this. will you truly accept me for what i truly am?

maybe this is just another fantasy, something just transient and goes away like the wind

feels like, when someone is attempting to break inside and know me better, i'll just run a million miles away

am telling myself that sometimes, we don't have to try too hard. if it's meant to happen, no matter what comes in between, it will still happen.

+++

feels like i've done nothing these 2 days, feels like i've so many stuffs to read(i have like 7 different tabs of websites) and i'm tired of reading so i'm just aimlessly chatting with people and it feels meaningless. meaningless. i feel like i'm floating and just wading through this stealthily, like i'm invisible and i'm actually not here. like when i chat with them, i adopt an entire different persona - like a reckless abandon who doesn't give a shit about feelings(what feelings?), someone apathetic who doesn't bother trying to be nice, someone who
screws up conversations(look at previous point). i just speak my rambunctious mind

i think i (really) need a job

i've come to realise that there's a clear distinction between just a 'good' friend and a 'very good/best' friend. the former would agree/disagree with what you're doing in your life, and would not preach, but simply feel that "it's your life, so it's ultimately your choice. i'm in no position to comment". while on the other hand, the latter would sit down and have a proper conversation with you. he/she would probe, preach and try to include their insight/opinions without sounding overbearing. then, we would both try to find the root cause of the problem and suggest a solution for it. he/she would be really sincere to help and make you feel that he/she is concerned and would go all out to be sharing this emotional baggage with you.

i'm really blessed to have such an awesome best friend really <3

i've learnt these days that we can't always get what we expect out of people. but that's alright, simply because there's only so much one can offer. besides, he/she may be already trying their best, and in the first place, we shouldn't expect too much anyway. therein lies the awesomeness of God who consciously bless me with friends who complement each other. say for example, if i can't get that kind of response i want from A, i knew i would get it from B. and this is the same thing for the reverse case, if i knew A is better than B in a particular aspect, i would seek help from A. so, i feel that i have a very comprehensive friendship with people of unique characters, but when put together, it's a very rewarding experience for myself because they are all interlinked in the grander scheme of things.

i had a good day today.

+++

don't know why, but this blog feels like a curse. i've witnessed this happening many times right in front of my eyes, acutely consciously of what is happening, and backtracking to the root of it which made me figure out that this seems to be the reason all the time. feels like whenever i write something [positive], by some stroke of fate/destiny/BAD LUCK/CURSE, the reverse will happen. I'VE NO IDEA WHY

it's like once i've established this gratefulness/awareness that YAY I'M FEELING GOOD, it will be deemed as a curse; i'll be back to square one the next day. and no, i don't think i'm overthinking. it has always been that way and i'm fucking sick of it. it feels as though i don't deserve to write things that emanate positivity/happiness. LIKE I'M BOUND FOR DEPRESSION MY WHOLE LIFE OR SOMETHING

like i'll tell myself that nah it is just coincidental, i don't think i'm that suay or something but NO IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY. fuck this shit yo. i don't deserve ANY of this, NOTHING of this crap

i'm currently reading doris lessing's "love, again" and there were so many notions/expressions that i totally agree with. i find myself OH YES OH YES OH YES so many times, her words flow so succinctly in such a fluid manner. it's such a good read. there were a couple of times i wanted to tear because i could really relate to her characters; it felt so real.

i need to start loving myself, like this time, it's for real

it is pretty scary when i've witnessed this SO DAMN FREAKING MANY TIMES like it REALLY gets into me and i could actually list out all the evidences but that would totally freak me out so i won't but like seriously

EVERY SINGLE (EVEN THE MOST LITTLE, TRIVIAL) THING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

it is apparent and blatant that i feel like this whole thing is mocking me. like how i feel EVERY SINGLE THING is interconnected, nothing stands on its own - we're never alone.

it's so scary though, like each time i found out something new, it would actually mean something or a discovery of ANOTHER occurrence, and they are all related. every single time. it never escapes from the truth. like everything is actually a key to another door, and they are never, NEVER on their own. i know i'm repeating but i JUST CAN'T EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH.

this prove that there IS a master planning all of this <3

i had a good day today. an awesome workout followed by a 4-hour karaoke session and dinner afterwards. i asked Z if i was his good friend and he replied, "if you dont think i'm your good friend, i'll go jump down now". (yes he is that dramatic)

but that's what i love about my friends. the connection we share are mutual, and it's always so real. i love the word real. i think so much fakery and pretense are circulating on the minds of millions, and to find something 'real' is an amazing gift. i've always doubted the meaning behind it, but i guess time will tell(i believe time is a very obvious love language). and time has definitely shown that i'm indeed blessed with really good friends. am really, really grateful for that.

i was telling Z about how time is slipping by our hands without any mercy, age is catching up and i feel so old. with this, i feel that i shouldn't be wasting my time on 'people that are not worth it'. i said i'm tired of all these useless entanglements. i want to unravel myself from this complicated webs and stay close to those that really matter. feel like time is running out. these days, i choose who i want to hang out with(re : people that matter). and i really don't try to keep in contact with those whom i deem as 'unworthy'( re : short term/moment friends). but Z said that it's not fair this way. i wanted to laugh out and scream BUT LIFE IS NEVER FAIR ANYWAY. i guess it's okay to be selfish sometimes, well, especially if it makes you free

i told C that i want to be like her. i want to be numb, without any feelings to anyone at all. (but, we should be careful for what we wish for.) C said no that's not good, what if it gets extreme and you won't even feel a slight tinge of regret committing a crime. and i thought about it. that's true.

but i am such an extreme person by nature, and it's so hard to tread along the middle. it's either this or that, there's no in-betweens. this is the hardest part about living

and so, i'm trying my darnest to let go. but it's not that easy. i need to let go COMPLETELY, and once that is settled, i'll be free. but how can i COMPLETELY let go, that's almost impossible.

sigh. how can i live being truly happy, then?

don't think, don't even try to think

erase the mind of thoughts, of anything at all

now breathe

(and keep reminding yourself that everything has no meaning. at all)

life - i see it as a twisting path of routes, convoluted and messy. but then, i believe we will all reach the same destination. if these paths ribbon themselves repeatedly, then i guess that's fate. i've talked enough about fate. fate is the end product, what IN BETWEEN is within our control. simply because we are masters of our own destiny.

today, i felt depressed.

i felt depressed yesterday too. there were so many things on my mind; my insides were screaming and running amok without any mercy. i just had to do something about it. i put on my running shorts, shoes and some random shirt and left the house for a run, hoping, just hoping, that things will get better. i ended up walking around my neighbourhood for 30 minutes, still thinking about unnecessary things. i felt even more depressed. my sanity was being washed away by a sea of convoluted thoughts. i was barely making it alive

i hate feeling this way oh God please help

i feel like i'm in a state of limbo these days, i'm constantly out and about doing something - but i don't feel like i actually am. it's like i'm just floating in this hazy phase of nothingness, trying so hard to inject some meaning, albeit little, but trying still.

i don't even know why i did certain stuffs i did recently. it feels as though i'm tired from always trying to find meaning in everything, that i just give that novelty up entirely. and when i meant entirely, i meant every single nuances of it. and it's such a pity.

with bouts of regrets

i got to know this guy online yesterday, and we talked for three hours. the conversations are fluid and smooth, and there were alot of things that he shared. it's amazing how anonymity breeds familiarity. and, how sometimes it's these strangers that you tend to divulge every dark secret that you have. he was recounting his life story, while sobbing uncontrollably. i told him that it's okay to cry, real men do cry and that's perfectly normal. i urged him to let things go, to stop controlling things beyond his power and rein. i felt sad for him. he asked me why am i trying so hard to motivate him to press on and continue living. i said i don't know. but now, when i think about it, i realise that the only reason was because, i've been there myself. i know how it feels to be so suppressed with your ideals and expectations. and i understand how stifling it feels. it's as though you are choked up by a tight rope on your neck, and the force just gets tighter each time. you can't scream nor shout, and you're the only one in this abyss. but ironically, you're the one who has been repeatedly digging this hole out of your own accord. i saw myself in him, and i really want to pull him away before it gets worst

oh God, please help us

it's funny, i wanted to write something else but i got distracted. and out of randomness, the earlier post was written without having anything in mind. the words just came out like it was supposed to, like as if it was a natural thing to not think and let my hands do the 'talking'

and i read what i wrote. it seems jaded and i feel sad. was that my subsconcious mind talking? is that what i'm truly feeling right now?

+++

i wrote before that a person would be depressed if he tries to find meaning in every single thing he does. and i am that person. but i don't want to be that person anymore. it is SO emotionally and physically exhausting i'm on the brink of giving everything up. when i wake up tomorrow, i'm not gonna care. i'll stop caring, everything will NOT be thought of/considered, even on the slightest level of concern. i'm gonna be the next apathetic fucker who lives life without giving a shit/meaning to ANYTHING at all

sometimes, the truth hurts

those words sting at its very essence, they rapture the truth that you were holding onto all this while. wait, clearly, that isn't the truth. it was a myth, a make-belief, a delusion. you were pining on it to breathe, you were actually breathless all these while. but now, you're drowned. you're fucking drowned

but then again, you need these bitter realities to move on

my heart was *abit* broken last night, and i kept harping on it today. this resulted in 4 jeans(which are fkin awesome cos i love their shades) plus a belt AND OF COURSE A FREAKING HOLE IN MY POCKET. but i guess, it's worth it. i needed that retail therapy, and i've been wanting the shades of that jeans since forever. it's amazing though, i was visualizing the colour in my head, and miraculously, my imagination materialised into reality. thank God

sigh whatever we make do with what we have. when a door closes, another one opens. but idgaf if that door opens. i just don't want any commitment for now, like NOT AT ALL. i'm young, and i'm not gonna be binded by a guy who might not even last. but then again, which gay couple would ever last? yes, i know right. i don't want to waste my time on expectations, which would only serve to beget disappointments. i don't think it's worth it (re :i don't have time for such emotions.)

i've accepted it.

i've moved on. :)

sigh, i think i'll not have any relationships in mind at all. fuck it man, i'm so fucking young i will just have fun and flings and sex all over the place

whenever i hang out with these [guys], subconciously, i would tell myself that i can do so much better than this. i have choices, this free will that i can exploit to my advantage. but, i don't use them because i am so suppressed with my insecurities, till i'm willing to settle for something so much lesser than what i could actually have gotten. and, now, it sounds stupid and silly. it's not that i'm incapable, i just refuse to venture out and try.

tell me something new i don't already know.

and these days, i've been paying very close attention to the nuances of the English language. i've been trying to hone my inferential skills because i realised that most of the time, whatever that is released/promulgated/advertised/said by a [party] does not exactly mean as what it came across. there's actually a hidden agenda, if you actually bothered to be more observant

there are so many things happening at the same time, but yet, i've often realised how so many of them are actually interlinked if i bothered to actually think about it.

well, that's why they say things happen for a reason. and by that, it is EVERY single god-damn thing

yesterday was the release of A level results, and i've been there before - but, it felt so long ago. i don't know how many times i've repeated myself to whoever i talk to; i feel so damn old. with each passing day, this gnawing realisation that i'm a day closer to (death)/(feeling unaccomplished in life) really gets to me. i need to be more useful

i vividly remembered tearing after seeing my results. i felt that i did better than expected, and i was really happy. but, of course, i knew i can do better. i guess the most important lesson in life is to be contented. a limit has to be prescribed, you have to know when is enough. however, it's only human nature to be greedy. what is enough, anyway? yet, i do think it's important to establish this. i feel that without attaining a defined meaning of 'enough', you will never be truly happy. these days, so many people are chasing after (something) unrelentlessly, it's as though they are never contented with what they already have. and it's even sadder when they don't even realise they are actually doing so. everything becomes so meaningless then.

i could go on about this, though i'd prefer having a conversation with someone about this. i would prefer an engaging discussion as opposed to writing(it feels as though i'm talking to a wall)

+++

when this anxiety grips me hard, i have this urge to resolve it asap by finding a quick solution. it has made me tired and panicky. i need to slowly let it go without dealing with it, maybe by this way, this whole anxiety will dissipate and i'll be free. i hope

cry, weep but never wallow.

these days, i've realised that i've been blogging more. this is a positive sign yayers

it was such a dramatic day. i figured out something was amiss in the afternoon(will not further elaborate because i want to forget about it), wanted to bawl my eyes out and literally scream at the top of my lungs - i was just a total wreck. repeatedly, i thank God for blessing me with such awesome friends whom i can easily turn to in moments of despair. i rang up C immediately, poured out my woes and i felt better. sometimes, you just have to let it out of the system and you'd feel liberated from all these tangling webs of complicated shit.

thereafter, i was talking to J about it online. it was just a simple "i feel like crying" and she went like "omg baby why MEET ME NOW". she's so sweet, i love her. we talked alot about it, and she helped me out by rationalising my thoughts and sending a text to the person involved. it was so hard, and i was almost shivering while my heart was palpitating at the speed of sound. that moment was just intense, i hated it. we went deeper by trying to figure out the root problem for both of us(she had some stuffs going on as well) and it was nice. i love my friends, we're always genuine in helping each other out. we never get tired of it <3

J had to go to work, so i met M after that for dinner. M is another amazing friend who would go all out to help his friend. i shared with him about what happened, he gave me his point of view and i really love talking to him because he is so real. he would never hold himself back from his thoughts. that's what i need - someone real who cares enough to tell me the truth, even if the truth hurts. true friend tells you the real deal, and they aren't afraid to do that because of their genuine concern. plus, it was an amazing discourse because he is the sort who would rarely open up but just now, he did. and i felt like this friendship is so rewarding because before he started opening up, he went like, "you are effectively my one and only gay friend" and "omg i've never told this to anyone ever. you're the first". awwww well, obviously he does have other gay friends, but i guess, as we grow up we tend to expect alot from a person whom we regard as a friend so yeah :) like for me, the minimum status quo is good friends. i don't even bother talking to those below that status. i feel that i don't have time for them, or even if i do, it would be better spent on other productive means

i feel good now, much much better than like 1 pm just now :( as i was going back, i was sinking in all the convos i had with my friends - the advices and what i should do. i've rationalised them out and i feel that for now, things are in order. i am more objective and i know what i should rightfully do. i will guard my heart better, and grow up. life goes on :)

Nobody But You by Charles Bukowski

nobody can save you but
yourself.
you will be put again and again
into nearly impossible
situations.
they will attempt again and again
through subterfuge, guise and
force
to make you submit, quit and/or die quietly
inside.

nobody can save you but
yourself
and it will be easy enough to fail
so very easily
but don't, don't, don't.
just watch them.
listen to them.
do you want to be like that?
a faceless, mindless, heartless
being?
do you want to experience
death before death?

nobody can save you but
yourself
and you're worth saving.
it's a war not easily won
but if anything is worth winning then
this is it.

think about it.
think about saving your self.

i have this urge to write about what i did today, it's like there's this gnawing itch to puke everything out about how i really feel. it feels quite extreme

though it's an irony because i can't exactly splurge out on the details but just the brief superficial aspect of it

i went out with X today, and X is a very very close friend whom i love very much. we're so open and comfortable with each other. the feeling is very mutual. but it's platonic, duh. we would talk about sex most of the time, because she is very sexually active and promiscuous but i don't judge her; i love her very much nonetheless. when we hang out, we would plan to shop but this would always fail because we would end up talking about everything. (and it's so easy to talk to her because our personalities really click)

we had some HTHT conversation just now and it really dawned upon me about how there's so much in her that i've yet to discover. and i love this type of friendships. it takes time to slowly unravel what's buried within, which of course, needs to be set on the premise of trust and loyalty. this makes it real, and not some 'moment' type of friends. i've finally understood why she does certain things, which in general, made me realise how interesting humans are. there's only so much we show, but there's so much more deep inside. everyone puts on facades, we carry on living life strong and determined, but who is to know what is actually within? every day, they internalise this baggage, which then made them respond/react/act in that particular manner. people would judge, but when we finally understood the real meaning behind it, it is a whole new story altogether.

this is so interesting, i feel like taking up psychology or something :(

as i was walking back today, i thought alot about today - how eventful and peaceful i feel within.

i talked to zen about how i really felt. i just had to let it out of my chest, because it was bothering me and i was starting to get paranoid. so yes, i've let my guard down - but not entirely. i've learnt to shield myself these days, and over time, this interior becomes stronger. i don't want to think too much about it for now, i will just go with the flow and live life

i went for tuition, and again, this has always served a purpose for me. it makes me feel that i have a direction/objective. and this is particularly important as this whole aimlessness has weaved subtly into my life ever since i'm jobless, i find myself floating sometimes. it's heartening as well because he has been improving remarkably well(close to full marks for quizzes), considering that he got an E for math in PSLE. it feels like i'm doing something right, and this has inspired me to do even better. i really want to help him, i want to be a change

after tuition, i went over to my cousin's place to visit her and the kids. i don't even know where to start. it's really amazing how kids make you feel. their smiles, and their generous affection towards you if they like you - it just makes you feel that there's still hope in life. we went over to the park, and they kept asking me to run along with them. i felt like a young kid all over again. the playground next, and they were running all over the place. they kept wanting me to carry them, and they took turns every single time. i was exhausted. but they're so adorable, and it feels really great to witness their growth at each phase of their life. i was there when they were first brought to this world, now they're each 3, 6 and 8. it's amazing <3

+++

i wonder why but lately, the extent of my realisation that everything REALLY happens for a reason is just seemingly conspicuous. when people tell me that the reason for doing that particular thing is of no significance, i get really doubtful and suspicious. this air of mystery is just speaking to me with loud pangs, and it gets me curious to really find out. humans are so intriguing sometimes