don't know why, but out of the blue, i am overwhelmed by this nagging feeling of inadequacy. and how i am damn sick and tired of everything that is happening that i just want to leave and get out. i guess i need a few days of break before i fully dive head-on with my responsibilities. right now, all i want is to give everything up and start afresh. fuck.

seems like this is all too familiar; that nagging sense for comfort and dependency, till it slowly kills a part of me. i hate feeling this way, feeling all needy and wanting assurance from someone i barely know. i am stronger than this, i've been through this before. i'm not a weakling, no i am not. i can do better. i've always controlled the situations to my advantage. but, what if, the situation is much more complicated than this? what if, now, i am getting weaker?

i've never liked being around needy people, so i mentally tell myself to be strong and independent and not be needy at all. but it's hard not to be when i'm in love. i hate how vulnerable i can be with people i love, it's as though i have no self-control to be myself.

i guess at the end of the day, i just don't want to get hurt. as a result, due to my immense fear of getting hurt, i run away. i choose to go for the easy route and run away. but i can't keep doing that. to be happy, i have to get hurt somehow. i have to take risk and step out of my comfort zone.

i will fight for you. but, i really hope that it will all work out. i know you're worth it, but please prove that to me.

feels like this wave of euphoria has swept over me once again, and for once, i really do feel that it is all going to work out. but i'm scared. i do not want to expect anything and fall flat on the ground, hurt and tattered in so many ways.

i think in this pursuit, i've lost myself. i'm going to let go and not fight anymore. whatever will be, will be. i believe in the whole notion of fate anyway.

I'm just gonna live. and be happy.

LET. GO.

it is extremely annoying when you tell yourself that you're NOT supposed to do that particular set of actions SO MANY TIMES but despite reminding yourself till you are so sick of it, you STILL do it because you are just not strong mentally.

i have had enough of trying so i am just going to give up and NOT CARE ANYMORE.

Today is one of those days where i really feel like despite having these new friends, i crave for some familiarity and sense of homeliness. It feels like i am constantly making a conscious attempt to please everybody and i am tired. I just don't want to try anymore.

What i really want is to be among close friends who accept me for who i am, and there isn't a need for me to have any facades or pretense cos i am fucking tired of being around judgmental people. I just want to be hanging out with old friends, in our own little world, each of us being our true self without having the need to put up a front. We're all comfortable in our own skin and these people love us for who we truly are.

Sigh i guess i just have to sleep it off.

Resolutions.

This is like the mandatory entry about new year resolutions.

I thought hard about it, and most of the time, when i'm too deep in such thoughts, i avoided it altogether. It feels like such resolutions are useless without any actions so there's no point thinking too much about it.

But one thing for sure, i wanna start afresh.

I want to be the person i want to be. As simple and cliche as it sounds, i want to be me. I'm gonna be happy being myself and i'm not going to compare. I want to laugh each time with such liberation that only me, myself, can truly comprehend.

Do or Die. I want to do things in the best way i can. If it's worth it, i'm going to give my all. No turning back or half-hearted attempts. I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to be a quitter.

I'm going to treasure everyone around me. I will tell them i love them whenever i can. I want to show them that i appreciate them for being a part of me. I want to be a better friend, son, lover. I want to spend more time with the people i love. We are all growing older by the second, and if there's a better time to show your love and appreciation, it's now.

I want to get closer to God. I want to be wrapped in His love. Forever.

I want to make more friends. I will be real. I will see people for who they really are. I will be less bitchy and judgemental. I will be less superficial. I will care less about looks. I will be less mean. I will be less sad.

I want to give and not expect anything in return.

I want to fill my mind with things that are worthy. I want to spend less effort on things that don't matter. I want to tire myself with things close to my heart, and disregard useless memories.

I'm not going to fight for things that are not meant to be. I'm going to let go. I'm gonna love more and think of myself as someone more worthy. I will not beg.

I want to love like i've never loved before. It's going to be painful and i'll be hurt, but that's okay. I'll still love wholeheartedly anyway. I'm going to take the risk and venture beyond my comfort zones.

I will be fun. I will be happy.

Truly, from within.