i am so so so thankful to God (times infinity times infinity SYUKUR ALHAMDULILLAH TIMES INFINITY) for blessing me with good results which i am so so so surprisingly shocked for because it totally exceeded my expectations and it's ALL GOD'S HELP DEFINITELY.

also, i am thankful to Him for blessing me with such good friends like wow i feel like there isnt a need to have quantity, but quality definitely. those few whom you know you can trust, and whom you know really care for you. i think when i am gone, one of the very few things that i will really miss is the convenience of hanging out/talking on the phone with them cos like wow i really dont know how i can handle life without them. it is gonna be SO SO SO different cos i am so used to it.

am also very very very VERY thankful to Allah SWT for blessing me with such an awesome family. it feels really good when you realise that things only get better as you grow older. and that's such a blessing in disguise as compared to a situation if things were only better when you were young and it deteriorates over time. feels like as we all mature, we are able to communicate better. we grow closer and we can actually act like a real family. that's so heartwarming and i hope this lasts forever.

SYUKUR ALHAMDULILLAH TIMES INFINITY <333

it's so easy not to care. when you don't care, there will be no expectations. since expectations beget disappointments, zero expectations mean zero disappointments.

not caring is the only way to live y'all

i used to be able to write freely, but i have told myself time and again that writing doesn't work anymore. from today onwards, i am not going to think. i will just let my hands do the thinking and write whatever i feel like writing, regardless of its coherence. i know it helps. i've just been lying to myself.

these days, so many things have been happening. undeniably, it has been very overwhelming. it feels like i am losing myself. i have always built a strong barrier within so that i do not let people enter too easily. however, this time round, it was all too fast and furious. i was too involved emotionally, people entered easily and i expected alot. and of course, without a surprise, it all crashed.

now i am feeling so pissed off with myself for breaking this promise to myself. but i guess, there is always something to be learnt.

so -

1) NO EMOTIONS.
2) DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING.
3) NO EXPECTATIONS
4) DON'T CARE AT ALL.

Till then.

all these overwhelming emotions have seemed to fuck myself up, and it fucking hurts like a bitch. idk why but writing doesnt seem so cathartic anymore. it came to a point where i dont even know how/what to write. these words waft aimlessly in my head but when its time to pen/type them down, they just disappear. disappear into nothingness, just like my feelings.

it feels very unsettling to be in places among people you do not want to be with, but due to context and circumstances, you just have to stick to them. so most of the time, i will keep quiet or attempt to join in the conversation but while doing so i think it is apparent i really don't give a damn about these people and the words which are wafting through their lips. it is such a bad PR move and it makes me seem very apathetic and disengaged but sincerely/truthfully/from the bottom of my heart, i do not want to talk to you.

it feels like you are fake and disgusting and i do not want to be associated with you anyway. this is the reason why i cannot wait to get out of here and leave this place. i just want to leave you all.

read somewhere that i have to create a blog as one of my 'talents' so that it will look good on my resume/portfolio. it has to be something that i am really interested in and i thought to myself, "yeah, nothing. i have nothing that i like." but it feels like if i'll ever have one which is public and accessible to everyone, i will be judged so critically because i will be perceived as an emotional wreck who thinks too much/tries to make meaning out of everything. perhaps, a sadist cynic

sad truth

and also, i think it has come to a point where i am apathetic and indifferent to so many people now till it scares me. it really scares me because these people are considered my true and real friends. i was only supposed to feel this way to ppl who dont matter, but it seems as though this feeling has silently creeped into the souls of my loved ones. i must stop feeling this way before i end up a lone ranger my whole life with zero friends

but it sucks because it sucks so much energy in me to talk to someone, even with someone whom i am supposed to be close to. it's like i really don't give a fuck and i just don't want to talk to you because i just don't see the need to. ah am seriously so fucked up i dont even know how to get myself out of this rut.

i hope history doesn't repeat itself

sometimes i lapse into another persona - a being who is all pensive and blue and has this overwhelming desire to put all these emotions into words.

today feels like one of those days.

but ironically, i don't feel like writing anymore

fucking pissed off with myself and everything now i just want to sleep and dont give a fuck about everything.

i swear it felt weird typing that down.

i feel incredibly incoherent. it's amazing how some people can string their sentences so beautifully :)

so today i went rollerblading with ming and leah and i had so much fun. feels like i dont have to try to be someone better/less awkward around them. i just have to be myself and it feels liberating. i would like to be friends with them forever because they are true/real and true/real friends last forever

i annoy myself to no end

feels like i am constantly wanting 'something' all the time, but i am not working as hard as the extent of my want. they are all thoughts that are always seemingly throbbing my brain but i don't have the drive/motivation/control to rule them and do some actions. those are just thoughts without any action

also, it annoys me how i am so not motivated to do the best in whatever i do

and how i get brored of people and things really fast

sigh i am so useless i hope this is not some negative self-fulfilling prophecy

so i just ended work today and i must say it was a really nice experience. the colleagues were really great, and friendly and i felt comfortable around them.

though when at the end of it, i was thinking about how these people are really nice and i would not mind seeing them everyday but circumstances dictate that our paths only intersect for 5 days. and in reality, i am swarmed with people i do not really like and i HAVE to see them everyday. i guess the latter group of poeple adds more colour to my life

these days, i fear that my memory is failing me. either that, or i feel too tired/numb to feel. i fear that i can't remember/do not feel any memories that are worth remembering/jotting them down here because it feels so unnecessary

but it's necessary. these moments are the ones that i will cling onto when the roads get tough. these memories are the ones that will keep me going when i feel weak; they are the ones that make me alive

words are cathartic, and so, writing is a form of catharsis. i've realised that when i come here, i'm all emotionally charged and slowly, once these words slowly float out of my system, my heart beats normally

was having a chat with ina, about fate. about how i feel like i am always stuck in this periphery and i can't go beyond. but then again, it feels that i am fine with it. simply because i know everything happens for a reason, and these reasons are determined by God. and if God determines and controls them, then i have nothing to worry about because i will be safe. i will be safe in His plan.

we will all be safe

am feeling so fucked up i feel like crying. like for real

everyone has limits and when you've tried your hardest to keep it all together, sometimes, you fail and wither and just... have had enough. i want to cry

it's this particular moment which makes you realise that there is no fucking point in trying. why the fuck try? WHY THE FUCK DO WE TRY? WHY THE HELL DO I KEEP TRYING, THEN FAIL ALL THE SINGLE TIME? i hate this fucking feeling but i still do it because i am numb and heartless. but it's such an irony when these very feelings of nonchalance suddenly well up and tear me apart, because the boulder to withstand all the emotions have broken into tiny fragments of nothingness

i really want to give up, i really do. but somehow, this vicious cycle will turn around and make me cling on to hope. and this very dim ray of hope still burns vicariously within. so i will be back to square one, and the whole cycle repeats itself

but i still try nonetheless. i fucking do try

yet, repeatedly, i fail.

sometimes i feel the intense need to jot my thoughts down before they disappear into the hazy wind but by a sudden millisecond, this intense need ripples its way out of my system. yes, by a millisecond, that's how fickle i am

but today we had dance rehearsal and it was fun, feels like i don't mind dancing for the rest of my life. the agile, skilled movements which are swiftly constructed to follow the beat of the song, followed by trickling sweat of determination - i like that.

a random thought i had today is the fact that i don't appreciate things as much as i really would like to. feels like i am only fully recognizing the importance/value of an entity(tangible or intangible) when it's spoilt/gone/lost forever. a random example to explain about this random thought is my earpiece which i use everyday. it is just an ordinary earpiece, a normal earpiece that i don't care much about (in fact, i don't care about alot of things in life). so now, like many others, this earpiece is spoilt

but i'm like oh okay, deal with it. life moves on.

which brings me to my next point. that we just have to make do with what we have in life. it's true. i now have to live with listening to only one side of the earpiece, but it's okay. it's my fault, i have to live with it unless i get a new one. which i probably won't cos i'll end up spoiling them anyway

sometimes i would be engulfed in an extreme state of emotion without any rational reasons behind it and just be soaked into the sea of blueness deeply, and trying very very very hard to stay afloat

but sometimes when these emotions take control, i would like time to stop and breathe in these emotions because pain makes me feel alive

dont know how to feel happy it's like do we consciously erase all feelings of sadness and negativity, or do we just not feel at all and live life according to what we THINK it is instead of what we FEEL because feeling happy is an illusion it is an effort instead to think of happy thoughts to be happy

i would like to live in a life without any expectations sometimes, so that i will never, ever be disappointed. expecting something reeks of disappointment in its true essence because when you expect something, you are hoping for a result which aligns to your expectations. and more often than not, you'll fall short of those expectations. you'll end up feeling disappointed, dejected and lost. so can we just not expect and DO things freely without thinking of the risks/consequences because the very aftermath can thwart us from being better because we are so caught up in achieving the best form of result possible (and of course, it can push us further. afterall, there are 2 sides to a coin)

and it's one of those moments when the sky refuses to belt out any more sunlight; for it's time for the rain to take control over our blue emotions which are dripping from the cornerstone of our hearts

one of those moments where i refuse to power the switch in my mind, the switch which would reignite all the blocks of boulders that are meant to crush my insides till i have nothing left within to fight

am i then, being delusional? or am i just trying to survive?

one of those moments where you know very well that if you want something really really really really really badly, more often than not, what you want will slowly creep out its way. far away from you. far from being involved with you. simply because, it does not even exist.

one of those moments where you realise that you are really not good enough in things you proclaim to be your 'passion', 'you would want to do this your whole life'. wtf i need to improve and be so much better and not just want things without putting any effort. things don't work that way. i need to unravel myself from this cocoon which i've built steadily over the years and finally breathe. away from all the obligations imposed/standards set/expectations

really would like to talk to somebody right now, just anyone randomly

sigh i think i'm leading a lonely life, i feel so lonely and there isn't any one whom i really feel i can talk to or get the response i would want to get. everyone's changing, nothing's the same anymore.

sigh fuck this shit seriously. fucking lazy to do anything about it but i guess if i want things to change, i have to do something about it. but i'm done trying. fucking lazy to try.

nvm, i will probably be alone for the rest of my life. so this is good training

feels like i don't want to make any friends at all.

it sucks knowing that you have a thousand 'friends' on facebook but there's no one whom you really feel like having a conversation with. maybe. it's the wrong time.

or maybe i just don't have any friends at all.

Wow it's so different.

perhaps, one day, one very fine day, i will slowly disintegrate into tiny specks of dust. unrecognizable, untouched. no one will know who i am. i will be with you, by you; but you'll never know. no one will know of my existence. among the sea of faces, i will be invisible.

http://icons-ak.wunderground.com/data/wximagenew/s/seflagamma/1114.jpg

http://media-cdn.pinterest.com/upload/282037995383587541_w2wq6NTI_c.jpg

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it feels like i am that 'someone', that 'they' who wakes up forgetting someone entirely. and it sounds mean, it feels as though i am that person. i am that mean person.

but now when i think about it, when i think about all of the instances which you could have taken and used it to your advantage - you let them go. you wasted your chances. and i realised how you are leading this to nowhere, and knowing me, you know how i hate the idea of aimlessness.

so, i'm not being mean afterall. i am just taking care of myself. and with that in mind, i'm letting you go. i am not gonna waste my time anymore.

goodbye.

don't know why, but out of the blue, i am overwhelmed by this nagging feeling of inadequacy. and how i am damn sick and tired of everything that is happening that i just want to leave and get out. i guess i need a few days of break before i fully dive head-on with my responsibilities. right now, all i want is to give everything up and start afresh. fuck.

seems like this is all too familiar; that nagging sense for comfort and dependency, till it slowly kills a part of me. i hate feeling this way, feeling all needy and wanting assurance from someone i barely know. i am stronger than this, i've been through this before. i'm not a weakling, no i am not. i can do better. i've always controlled the situations to my advantage. but, what if, the situation is much more complicated than this? what if, now, i am getting weaker?

i've never liked being around needy people, so i mentally tell myself to be strong and independent and not be needy at all. but it's hard not to be when i'm in love. i hate how vulnerable i can be with people i love, it's as though i have no self-control to be myself.

i guess at the end of the day, i just don't want to get hurt. as a result, due to my immense fear of getting hurt, i run away. i choose to go for the easy route and run away. but i can't keep doing that. to be happy, i have to get hurt somehow. i have to take risk and step out of my comfort zone.

i will fight for you. but, i really hope that it will all work out. i know you're worth it, but please prove that to me.

feels like this wave of euphoria has swept over me once again, and for once, i really do feel that it is all going to work out. but i'm scared. i do not want to expect anything and fall flat on the ground, hurt and tattered in so many ways.

i think in this pursuit, i've lost myself. i'm going to let go and not fight anymore. whatever will be, will be. i believe in the whole notion of fate anyway.

I'm just gonna live. and be happy.

LET. GO.

it is extremely annoying when you tell yourself that you're NOT supposed to do that particular set of actions SO MANY TIMES but despite reminding yourself till you are so sick of it, you STILL do it because you are just not strong mentally.

i have had enough of trying so i am just going to give up and NOT CARE ANYMORE.

Today is one of those days where i really feel like despite having these new friends, i crave for some familiarity and sense of homeliness. It feels like i am constantly making a conscious attempt to please everybody and i am tired. I just don't want to try anymore.

What i really want is to be among close friends who accept me for who i am, and there isn't a need for me to have any facades or pretense cos i am fucking tired of being around judgmental people. I just want to be hanging out with old friends, in our own little world, each of us being our true self without having the need to put up a front. We're all comfortable in our own skin and these people love us for who we truly are.

Sigh i guess i just have to sleep it off.

Resolutions.

This is like the mandatory entry about new year resolutions.

I thought hard about it, and most of the time, when i'm too deep in such thoughts, i avoided it altogether. It feels like such resolutions are useless without any actions so there's no point thinking too much about it.

But one thing for sure, i wanna start afresh.

I want to be the person i want to be. As simple and cliche as it sounds, i want to be me. I'm gonna be happy being myself and i'm not going to compare. I want to laugh each time with such liberation that only me, myself, can truly comprehend.

Do or Die. I want to do things in the best way i can. If it's worth it, i'm going to give my all. No turning back or half-hearted attempts. I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to be a quitter.

I'm going to treasure everyone around me. I will tell them i love them whenever i can. I want to show them that i appreciate them for being a part of me. I want to be a better friend, son, lover. I want to spend more time with the people i love. We are all growing older by the second, and if there's a better time to show your love and appreciation, it's now.

I want to get closer to God. I want to be wrapped in His love. Forever.

I want to make more friends. I will be real. I will see people for who they really are. I will be less bitchy and judgemental. I will be less superficial. I will care less about looks. I will be less mean. I will be less sad.

I want to give and not expect anything in return.

I want to fill my mind with things that are worthy. I want to spend less effort on things that don't matter. I want to tire myself with things close to my heart, and disregard useless memories.

I'm not going to fight for things that are not meant to be. I'm going to let go. I'm gonna love more and think of myself as someone more worthy. I will not beg.

I want to love like i've never loved before. It's going to be painful and i'll be hurt, but that's okay. I'll still love wholeheartedly anyway. I'm going to take the risk and venture beyond my comfort zones.

I will be fun. I will be happy.

Truly, from within.