i am so so so thankful to God (times infinity times infinity SYUKUR ALHAMDULILLAH TIMES INFINITY) for blessing me with good results which i am so so so surprisingly shocked for because it totally exceeded my expectations and it's ALL GOD'S HELP DEFINITELY.

also, i am thankful to Him for blessing me with such good friends like wow i feel like there isnt a need to have quantity, but quality definitely. those few whom you know you can trust, and whom you know really care for you. i think when i am gone, one of the very few things that i will really miss is the convenience of hanging out/talking on the phone with them cos like wow i really dont know how i can handle life without them. it is gonna be SO SO SO different cos i am so used to it.

am also very very very VERY thankful to Allah SWT for blessing me with such an awesome family. it feels really good when you realise that things only get better as you grow older. and that's such a blessing in disguise as compared to a situation if things were only better when you were young and it deteriorates over time. feels like as we all mature, we are able to communicate better. we grow closer and we can actually act like a real family. that's so heartwarming and i hope this lasts forever.

SYUKUR ALHAMDULILLAH TIMES INFINITY <333

it's so easy not to care. when you don't care, there will be no expectations. since expectations beget disappointments, zero expectations mean zero disappointments.

not caring is the only way to live y'all

i used to be able to write freely, but i have told myself time and again that writing doesn't work anymore. from today onwards, i am not going to think. i will just let my hands do the thinking and write whatever i feel like writing, regardless of its coherence. i know it helps. i've just been lying to myself.

these days, so many things have been happening. undeniably, it has been very overwhelming. it feels like i am losing myself. i have always built a strong barrier within so that i do not let people enter too easily. however, this time round, it was all too fast and furious. i was too involved emotionally, people entered easily and i expected alot. and of course, without a surprise, it all crashed.

now i am feeling so pissed off with myself for breaking this promise to myself. but i guess, there is always something to be learnt.

so -

1) NO EMOTIONS.
2) DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING.
3) NO EXPECTATIONS
4) DON'T CARE AT ALL.

Till then.

all these overwhelming emotions have seemed to fuck myself up, and it fucking hurts like a bitch. idk why but writing doesnt seem so cathartic anymore. it came to a point where i dont even know how/what to write. these words waft aimlessly in my head but when its time to pen/type them down, they just disappear. disappear into nothingness, just like my feelings.

it feels very unsettling to be in places among people you do not want to be with, but due to context and circumstances, you just have to stick to them. so most of the time, i will keep quiet or attempt to join in the conversation but while doing so i think it is apparent i really don't give a damn about these people and the words which are wafting through their lips. it is such a bad PR move and it makes me seem very apathetic and disengaged but sincerely/truthfully/from the bottom of my heart, i do not want to talk to you.

it feels like you are fake and disgusting and i do not want to be associated with you anyway. this is the reason why i cannot wait to get out of here and leave this place. i just want to leave you all.