am talking to an old flame, and it revolts me with such perfect moments which are unfortunately, just distant memories. how i wish to be back there, i tell myself. but reality hits me like a raging wave. ah i'll be alright

so weird but true; we're always chasing for something beyond our reach, trying our hardest to claim identity on something which we can never be ours, but we still do it all the same. always embroiled in this relentless pursuit of grappling with what 'could be mine'

when happiness is just right ahead

but i let it pass

will not think at all; no emotions, no explanations, no justification, nothing.

just numb

but now, it's different

yesterday, my brother and i chatted for an hour plus, and it was a meaningful and REAL conversation without any sense of awkwardness. we've never been close our entire life, but as we grow up, i've realised that we've talked so much more and this in itself is a very big achievement. i guess we've become more matured. we used to bicker over the little-st things, and we would not talk for days and that would linger for long.... but now, it's different. i wouldn't say we talk ALOT now, but the marked improvement is enough for me to feel that 'hey, we can actually sit down and have a proper conversation!'. that speaks something :)

he was telling me about the girl he's chasing after, about their rendezvous and how they met up from the start with all his pick-up lines. he's such a player. he was asking me for advices for a romantic getaway, or what he should do to win her over. but, he has already planned stuffs for her and i thought the lineup was incredibly sweet. i hope it works out between both of them :)

prior to this, he asked me randomly. he was like, 'have you ever loved someone so much, till you think of them every single second?' it was a big instantaneous NO for me, which got me thinking about how i've never loved any guy that deeply even though i've had quite a fair share of experiences with guys. guess i wasn't ready to fully commit myself

but now, it's different. i am currently seeing someone who is so loving and i feel that as long as i've seen beyond his imperfections and flaws, i am finally ready to commit <3

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/the-kinds-of-people-you-can-date/

work as per normal yesterday, yeah i operate on a 5 and a half day working machine. :( met ming, the bestest friend ever, for lunch and chit chat session. it was such a relief. after lunch and everything, we sat at coffee beans(because starbucks was packed) to do some readings. i was people-watching and it was actually very very therapeutic. then, i began writing..... and this is what i randomly wrote on a piece of paper

''hi, i'm sitting in coffee beans, trying to consciously read but to no avail cos i'm so sleepy. my earpiece is tucked inside, and i'm listening to the stripped segment of 987fm and i love it. it's so serene and i'm feeling at peace with myself. the songs are raw to the very essence, there's no grand instruments to modify how it should be originally, and thus, this is how it should be. songs sung by singers with their real voice without any effort to make it sound better because they are good enough. you don't need to justify how good you are by seeing how pleased others are. as long as you think it's good enough, then yes you are. yet, this argument is somewhat invalid because by submitting yourself to it, you are under the premise that the world should revolve around you. but, no, reality hurts. that shouldn't be the way. BUT WHY NOT? THIS IS YOUR life. thus, whatever you do should be based on your own yardstick. those universal standards and guidelines should just go to hell and die because they irritate the hell out of me. but yet, i guess at the end of the day, it's about doing things in moderation without veering towards the extremes. it's about staying afloat in the middle without treading in both ends of the spectrum. but how do i do that? i've been feeling so extreme these days. as i'm writing these, i can't help but to be distracted by this family. they have been exuding such familial warmth and i feel truly happy for them. they are doting on their kid in the most affectionate manner and i can really tell how happy they are. this makes me really happy. it reminds me of myself when i was a small kid. i'm sure my parents doted and loved me till no end. it's not that they don't now, but i guess it's different. we're all grown up and we're somewhat drifted apart from our parents. it's unwarranted to doubt if they really love me, but like there're no actions. so what do i base them on? chemistry? connection? i don't know..."

these days, i have been immersing myself deeply in thoughts and i thought how awesome it would be if i can just pen them/type them down instantly. it's like a chore to get back home and recollect all of these just to blog about it, it's almost tiring and i don't have much energy

everything seems far and distant even though they are just a few days away. looks like i have mastered the ability to be apathetic, slowly being indifferent to everything around me. these memories flutter away like the wind, and i just don't have the courage to bring them back to bask myself in such indulgences, because doing so would require me to switch to that particular persona, and i'm tired to transform every single time

peter asked me yesterday what would make me really happy. i didn't give much thought about it(probably because i have given TOO much thought into it), these words were instant and they just came out naturally.

''i would be really happy if there's no one else in this world, or rather, there would be no one that i know. in a foreign land, maybe? i just don't want to see any semblance of humanity, because i don't want to be judged AT ALL."

you make me all fuzzy and warm inside, and this time, i hope it's real

time is flying so fast, and sometimes i don't ever want to move. every second, life zooms past and it never ever stops. but all i want is to lie horizontal, motionless against these never-ending race because i'm so tired of going through the whole phase repeatedly, simply because i don't have a choice

just got back from the gym+dinner session with zhaf, and i feel... enriched. you know you have friends whom you rarely meet, but when you do, it feels like you guys have not parted. it feels the same. you guys can basically talk about anything; about those deep feelings you've been suppressing all these while because you just don't feel like sharing. but because this friendship is easy, the conversation just flowed and you finally got to the point of what you -truly- feel without holding it back because you know that person won't judge you anyway. and it goes on and on and on till you're finally breathless but you feel soooo damn good inside because you've finally spewed out all the burning lava within you. then, that person is still willing to listen and -really- offer you what he/she -truly- feels about the situation, suggest a solution peppered with matured advices that are so true and comforting.

zhafri is THAT friend. i'm blessed and i love him so much <3

am chatting to an old flame via msn right now, and i really really really miss him though it's just not possible for us to be together. i still recall the times we spent in each other's arms; we were so carefree and jubilant and i've always thought of him as the perfect guy. but i guess we can't always get what we want, and ideals are never attainable in reality anyway

and it just so happened that i was over at I's place last night. coincidentally, we were talking about how we really enjoy each other's company but we just can't be together. yknow like how some things are just not meant to be, be it due to circumstances or whatever. it's pretty sad, yeah, and there's really no point trying so hard for things that you know aren't for yours to keep. it's better letting it go than fighting for something which is never yours in the first place, but still keeping it tight under your rein because it just 'feels right' to do so. move on <3

well, i have new dates now and it seems as though i am still holding a wall within, but i'm sure it's for my own good. if he loves me enough, he will break it and i will welcome him with open arms

i had my first lesson with a secondary one kid yesterday. i was pretty hesitant because i really don't think i can teach. well, i honestly feel that teachers shoulder a very heavy responsibility because they are tasked to mould the future of the students. at my age(without much knowledge nor experience), i doubt i can really do that. besides, my patience/tolerance is pretty low(at least it's improving hehehe). finally thought it through and figured that God wouldn't give me a challenge which i can't handle. :) will try my best to make this work since i know i have (some) control over his future

on the way back from tuition, i saw an old classmate from primary school. we exchanged quick glances and i'm sure we recognise each other, but i guess the bond we once shared wasn't strong enough for us to actually come say hi to each other. well, that was alright. i figured that wow, she has changed so much. and then, memories from the past starting flooding my mind one after the other. i was reminiscing about myself back when i was 13; be-spectacled, innocent, parading around school with my blue nike bag(i thought it was damn cool at that point of time) with this wavy hairstyle which i felt i looked good with. i must have looked bony and horrible, but i felt really good about myself. i remember feeling all fly. i miss such confidence; i am bent on getting it back

this made me realise how time really flies. on the eve of the new year, i exclaimed repeatedly to my colleagues, 'OMG IT'S GONNA BE 2011 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. TIME IS FLYING SO DAMN FAST'. the new year hasn't really sunk in yet though. i still can't believe i'm done with NS, anyway. i never thought that was even remotely possible. it's gonna be the start of uni this year, and once again, i thought this will never happen. it feels as though we are in this constant race where we'll never stop running but ironically, we're so used to running till we didn't even realise we've ACTUALLY been running all these while. sad sad truth

but i shall be positive about life cos there is so much to be thankful for. i find myself consciously counting my blessings each day, and i'm slowly appreciating life as it beckons. seeing those cute smiles on a child's face makes me really happy. made me realise how the world isn't so bad afterall. i think i really love kids, they cheer up my day. and whenever i see old couples holding hands(or joking around with each other; displaying acts of passion) i get really really really happy with goosebumps all over. they give me SO SO SO much hope that true love does exist and it's all just a matter of time <3

imagine having a million in your bank account

i was TRYING to really feel how it's like to have so much money. it felt liberating, well, almost on top of the world. i was getting all excited; damn, i can finally buy ANYTHING i want. like the latest collection of my favourite brands, without any inhibitions or hesitance. if that looks good on me, it's gonna be in my closet this very second!! oh and that bag! that perfect bag i've been eyeing for. topped with those sexy shoes i was salivating all this while. i could easily indulge myself with all the material comforts and bask in such luxury, just because i can afford it.

but then, i was thinking. how long can this last? wouldn't this get boring? probably, the mere fact that i can ACTUALLY afford these(without any worries at all) makes the whole spending less exciting. it may sound paradoxical but come to think of it, it might be true. imagine having THAT amount of wealth and thus, you can easily buy anything you want because simply, you can afford it. the whole excitement getting something new wouldn't be relevant, the whole novelty of spending is slowly rubbed off. now, the whole dimension of spending is ascribed to the fact that you can EASILY do it because well, you are rich. there's nothing to really treasure about

having that amount of wealth doesn't guarantee you happiness either. imagine having that kind of wealth without a true love(which i think will determine your true happiness). you'll feel empty, lonely and the great deal about having so much wealth wouldn't really be a deal afterall.

i guess at the end of the day, what we all need is love

am trying to not let the small things get to me, because life is so much more than that

i fell sick again yesterday. i've fallen sick so many times these days. people think that it's due to the stress at work and though i do agree to a certain extent, i think it's the weather. the weather is so terrible these days. it's so cold in the office, and when i'm outside, it's so hot. i need to stock up on vitamins before i get any weaker

was trying to do my matriculation but i figured that i'm still undecided. i need to think about it again, and make a decision before the 1st of Feb. pretty unsure if i should enrol in the Special Term since my brain has turned rusty. decisions decisions

am slowly loosening my control over things. if things are meant to be, i don't have to try so hard. let go

Grateful.

i wanted to actually spew out all the lava within me, tainted with all the negative emotions but i recalled the promise to myself that with this blog, there will be a new beginning. it's a brand new me. i'm not gonna give in to such debilitating thoughts; i'm gonna fight and conquer them

slowly, i'm beginning to place my identity on things that last. like brains and a nice heart. i'm starting to realise how temporal the whole looks thing is, and how it shouldn't even matter. it's not important AT ALL. and so, i'm feeling a little more at peace with myself these days.

whenever those thoughts come running amok, i'll literally ignore them simply because they are not worth attending to. slowly(but surely), they dispel themselves entirely and i feel liberated.

at work today, there was a man with a growth on his head. it was huge but he didn't seem daunted by it. he seems very cheerful(but we'll never know what lies underneath). however, he made me realise how we really shouldn't care about looks(and its superficial counterparts). there is so much more to life than how we look

actually all i wanted to say is that i'm really thankful and contented for everything that God has blessed upon me <3

Resolutions.

for a brand new start, i have newfound resolutions(i've never had resolutions for 20 years of my life). it may sound cliche and hackneyed, and i could wish for so much more, but at the end of the day, these are what i truly yearned for

be happy. i just want to be happy. i've plunged into an abyss of self-hatred and insecurity issues last year. it was terrible. nights of blackness engulfed my skies and all i could think of was to escape from this place and run away. THIS WILL END. i'm gonna embrace life between my palms and say yes, i'll start loving you. this time, i'll be happy

be true to myself. there are probably life-changing decisions to make this year, but as heavy as it sounds, it's gonna be a simple decision cast. i'll stay true to my passion, my beliefs and what i've always wanted. i'm not gonna lie or be in a mould carved by expectations of others'. this is MY life, i'm gonna do it MY way

let go. last year, i've held myself back from big opportunities, simply because i was afraid of failure. i was too suppressed in my comfort zones. this year, i'm gonna fly. i want to break free, away from all the inhibitions. i will set my priorities straight. i'm going to let go of my perfectionistic values and ideals. i just want to try, even if i fail, at least i tried. i don't want any regrets

live life. i'm not gonna float around aimlessly, just like what i've been doing last year. i'm gonna make the best out of everything

happy new year xx