2011.

The best friend told me to reflect on what i want in life.

2011 was a whirlwind of change. So many things happened. I can't remember how many guys i've met or slept with. School started, and one semester just ended. Things were constantly moving. Faster. Bolder. 

There wasn't a time where i could properly breathe and hold Life in the face to proclaim my love for it. Life took over everything. I tried to squeeze in parts of myself but i held myself back most of the time. I was scared. The fear of rejection thwarted progress. I chose to remain on status quo because it was safe. I wanted to feel safe. Secure.

But with God's grace, i challenged myself a couple of times. I ran for council, got voted in and am having the best time of my life now. Pageant was exhilarating, FOC was spectacular. School is amazing, the people are great. Old friends stick by. They never leave. And, the bond we share gets stronger.

Yet, something's still missing. Guys. In this aspect, I don't know where i'm headed to. I think the whole novelty of falling in love is starting to tear apart into meaningless, shattered pieces. It's sad that i don't even want to mend them. I'm just devoid of any conscience to really care about this. Maybe, i'm being too real and practical. I know that relationships in the gay world don't exist. Ideals are meant to be tarnished. They are meant to be broken. They are meant to not even be talked about. It's taboo.

So, being all rational, i've completely disregarded relationships and took every connection with a guy with a pinch of salt. It's all about THE moment. Once the moment is done, we're done. It's as simple as that.  A temporary wave of fun and enjoyment. An escape. A short getaway. No feelings involved; no one gets hurt. We give bits and pieces of ourselves to that person, and then, we throw it away. That part of us is gone. Forever. In the first place, it does not matter anyway. There was no meaning to it.

But, by repeatedly doing so, now i'm all numb. 2011 has made me numb.

FREAKING FEEL LIKE WANNA CRY BECAUSE I FEEL SO INADEQUATE

FROM TMR ONWARDS

I AM NOT GONNA THINK IN MY HEAD ANYMORE
ALL THOSE THOUGHTS SHALL PERISH
I SHALL NOT CARE ABOUT GUYS
I WILL NOT TRY HARD ANYMORE
I WILL NOT BEG
I WILL NOT EVEN FREAKING TRY
I GIVE UP
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
I DONT CARE ABOUT HOW I LOOK
I WONT HAVE THOUGHTS OF WANTING TO LOOK LIKE 'THIS OR THAT' OR WHATEVER
I DONT EVEN CARE HOW I LOOK
I DONT CARE ABOUT GUYS AND HOW THEY THINK OF ME
I DONT CARE IF I LOOK CUTE OR NOT TO THEM
I DONT CARE HOW I LOOK TO THEM
I DONT EVEN TRY
I DONT CARE IF I LOOK GOOD OR HORRIBLE TO THEM
THEY ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM WHAT
IF THEY DONT THEN ITS THEIR LOSS
I DONT CARE ANYWAY
I SHALL BE NUMB
EVERYTHING I DO IS DEVOID OF FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS
I'M GOING TO BE A ROBOT

I GIVE UP

Hi. It's been so long since i've visited this space, so much so that i almost forgot it exists. Time flies isn't it? So much things are happening simultaneously and all i want is to just breathe. All i want is to hold Life by the face and give it some love, some warmth, some peace. Show it some appreciation that it really deserves, and kiss it tenderly. But, each time i want to do that, Life just passes by. In a stealthy manner that would catch me unguarded.

Now that the semester is over, i'm embroiled in a very good break. These 2 days have been great. All i do, is. Eat, Online, Sleep. Literally. It has been so goooood. I really needed this break. Come tomorrow, i promise i will do something productive.

And talking about how the semester is over, i can say for sure it has been a great one. I've had unprecedented experiences which have certainly provided me with unforgettable memories. I've made alot of friends, though i'm still uncertain as to which of these are my really true friends. Guess i have to verify that next semester and see for myself.

On another note altogether, i really don't know if i'm short-changing myself. It feels as though i have been settling for less. Well, the thing is, i don't even know for sure if i deserve better.