2011.

The best friend told me to reflect on what i want in life.

2011 was a whirlwind of change. So many things happened. I can't remember how many guys i've met or slept with. School started, and one semester just ended. Things were constantly moving. Faster. Bolder. 

There wasn't a time where i could properly breathe and hold Life in the face to proclaim my love for it. Life took over everything. I tried to squeeze in parts of myself but i held myself back most of the time. I was scared. The fear of rejection thwarted progress. I chose to remain on status quo because it was safe. I wanted to feel safe. Secure.

But with God's grace, i challenged myself a couple of times. I ran for council, got voted in and am having the best time of my life now. Pageant was exhilarating, FOC was spectacular. School is amazing, the people are great. Old friends stick by. They never leave. And, the bond we share gets stronger.

Yet, something's still missing. Guys. In this aspect, I don't know where i'm headed to. I think the whole novelty of falling in love is starting to tear apart into meaningless, shattered pieces. It's sad that i don't even want to mend them. I'm just devoid of any conscience to really care about this. Maybe, i'm being too real and practical. I know that relationships in the gay world don't exist. Ideals are meant to be tarnished. They are meant to be broken. They are meant to not even be talked about. It's taboo.

So, being all rational, i've completely disregarded relationships and took every connection with a guy with a pinch of salt. It's all about THE moment. Once the moment is done, we're done. It's as simple as that.  A temporary wave of fun and enjoyment. An escape. A short getaway. No feelings involved; no one gets hurt. We give bits and pieces of ourselves to that person, and then, we throw it away. That part of us is gone. Forever. In the first place, it does not matter anyway. There was no meaning to it.

But, by repeatedly doing so, now i'm all numb. 2011 has made me numb.