with regards to my previous post, maybe i should just fuck it. i should just live and get hurt, because to have loved and lost is better than not having to love at all. we only live once anyway.

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you said why am i so mean and rough to you, why do i say 'fuck off', 'go and die' and harsh words like those. why can't i just be nice and sweet and say all the lovely things? well, as much as it's alright to be hurt, i can't let you in completely. people change, and i bloody well know that fact. and if by one stroke of fate, in the future, if you'll ever leave, at least i have something still within to hold onto.

now i'm trying not to reflect and think about it. i've been doing alot of those though, i always tend to introspect and reminisce every single thing, digging up the hole just to incorporate some meaning, but feeling exhausted after. i need to let go, i need to stop thinking that everything is meaningful. well simply because many things are not, even though they do happen for a reason.

but just now, when i hear your voice, my insides flickered rampantly and just exploded into wisps of golden lights. you said why do i sound like i'm panting. the truth is dear, i was. i was trying to gasp for air just hearing your voice. i wanted to scream, run all around my house, jump up and down, hugged my bolster till there were creases - all at once. i was so excited. and then, i thought of all my flaws and shortcomings and i feel sad. i don't deserve love, i don't deserve any of this. will you truly accept me for what i truly am?

maybe this is just another fantasy, something just transient and goes away like the wind