i told C that i want to be like her. i want to be numb, without any feelings to anyone at all. (but, we should be careful for what we wish for.) C said no that's not good, what if it gets extreme and you won't even feel a slight tinge of regret committing a crime. and i thought about it. that's true.

but i am such an extreme person by nature, and it's so hard to tread along the middle. it's either this or that, there's no in-betweens. this is the hardest part about living

and so, i'm trying my darnest to let go. but it's not that easy. i need to let go COMPLETELY, and once that is settled, i'll be free. but how can i COMPLETELY let go, that's almost impossible.

sigh. how can i live being truly happy, then?