i had a good day today.

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don't know why, but this blog feels like a curse. i've witnessed this happening many times right in front of my eyes, acutely consciously of what is happening, and backtracking to the root of it which made me figure out that this seems to be the reason all the time. feels like whenever i write something [positive], by some stroke of fate/destiny/BAD LUCK/CURSE, the reverse will happen. I'VE NO IDEA WHY

it's like once i've established this gratefulness/awareness that YAY I'M FEELING GOOD, it will be deemed as a curse; i'll be back to square one the next day. and no, i don't think i'm overthinking. it has always been that way and i'm fucking sick of it. it feels as though i don't deserve to write things that emanate positivity/happiness. LIKE I'M BOUND FOR DEPRESSION MY WHOLE LIFE OR SOMETHING

like i'll tell myself that nah it is just coincidental, i don't think i'm that suay or something but NO IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY. fuck this shit yo. i don't deserve ANY of this, NOTHING of this crap