i got a haircut today and i wasn't really satisfied about it. i was whining, and a very good friend blurted out a nice comment, "omg you know, it's just damn hard for you to be ugly". at that particular moment, i just brushed it away and replied a 'thank you' curtly. then i slipped into another conversation altogether. i'm in this phase where i'm trying to not care about looks at all, so i'll just be apathetic about such comments. because well, they don't matter(trying to reaffirm myself every single day). there's greater things in life.

but now, when out of a sudden, that comment whizzed by my mind and i'm trying to absorb it - it just feels that i've been trying so hard to be accepted. and it feels so meaningless now. why did i put myself in such emotional torture every single day? i guess i just wanted to feel loved. by extension, the true act of love is hard to come by these days anyway. so it's like i'm chasing after an ideal. but fuck it, ideals are never attainable in reality......................

(only God knows what we're fighting for)

i was talking to a very good friend just now about the virtual world. about how we present a facade to the other party; normally it's an ideal that we wish to portray to arouse their interest. and sometimes, we veer towards another persona altogether. we suppress our true identity along the way, and it freaks us out when we are actually gonna meet that person. and therein lies the question : are we willing to change for someone? or should we just be ourselves because if that person truly loves us, then well, he/she should accept us for who we truly are? but what if it's not at the stage of love, it's still at the initial - and being yourself would kill your chances, and you don't want that because he's actually damn good for you(but the catch is, he likes the persona you're injecting, and not your true self)?

SO HOW